After suffering the wrath of numerous Jewish organizations, as well as a large number of personal protests from its Jewish members, Delta Airlines has reached a compromise with the Anti-Defamation League over their newest alliance member. The agreement aims to quell the backlash Delta has suffered since their announcement that Saudi Arabian Airlines, an airline that bans Jews, and people holding Israeli passports, from flying on their planes, had been added to its SkyTeam Network without any insistence that the policy be changed.

Delta spokesperson Trebor Bannister and ADL National Director Abe Foxman stood side by side at a podium Wednesday as Bannister laid out the newly devised plan. “We, along with the Saudi Royal Family, have conceded that refusing to allow Jews to board is wrong. Thus, we are proud to announce that Jews will be allowed to board Delta flights to Saudi Arabia, on condition that they are not on the plane by the time it lands.” When asked by a reporter if the planes planned to have parachutes, Bannister replied that he didn’t understand.

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The UN Human Rights Committee released a statement that charged that “Israel’s current action regarding the ‘Flightilla’ completely absolves Delta of any guilt. What the Israelis are doing, refusing the entry of a few people who simply wish to stir up some trouble, under the guise of national security, is an egregious violation of human rights, and thus they really shouldn''t be allowed to fly on any airline, let alone Delta.” Asked if she saw the irony of the statement, UNHRC President Laura Dupuy Lasserre responded that she didn’t understand.

Delta’s brazen alliance with renowned bigots of such a large magnitude has bolstered other airlines who wish to implement discriminatory policies but were previously concerned with public opinion. Just this weekend Iran announced that if its dissenters were allowed to fly, and were, in fact, alive, they would have been banned from the country’s national airline, IranAir. Also, Virgin Airlines has finally begun enforcing its originally intended ban of promiscuous women. In a related move, the chic new Kentucky shuttle plane corporation, Kentucky Kool & Kwik Airlines has finally been added as a United Airlines Star Alliance member. Asked if he was considering changing the name, KKK Air CEO Davey Dukette responded that he didn’t understand.

Meanwhile, Delta Airlines continues to fiercely refute the rumor that the merger and subsequent Jew-ban had anything to do with saving fuel by removing the need for Glatt Kosher meals. The inedible frozen blocks of Rabbinically approved sludge are said to significantly weigh planes down during landing due to not being eaten. The TSA has also considered ruling the meal’s Mezonos Roll (non-bread bread rolls, which come to think of it, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever), which could theoretically double as a bludgeoning tool, banned for air travel. When asked what he thought about the TSA deliberations, Yeshiva student, and Glatt Kosher meal enthusiast, Doniel Nachum Shapiro responded that he didn’t understand (read: "vus?").

While there has been a request by some for an investigation into Delta, most notably by Illinois Republican Senator Mark Kirk, the White House has remained silent on the issue. When explained that this situation was about Delta failing to take a stand for what is right and not about pandering for the sake of praise and adulation of the international community, President of the United States of America, Barak Obama, responded that he didn’t understand.


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