After it was exposed that students from UC Irvine met with a Hamas leader during their trip to Israel, the details of the meeting have now been brought to light. It has been announced that UC Irvine was acting as a representative for the entire University of California System, extending an offer for their campuses to become part of a future Palestinian State should a two-state solution be reached. Hamas has reportedly agreed enthusiastically.

The UCs have reportedly begun putting together a panel of legal and religious academic experts to prepare the converging of their liberal policies with Hamas’s Sharia Law. Rumors that the panel had hit an early snag have been confirmed by the UC System, however they claim that the issue is now “resolved.” A member of the panel, UCLA Professor David Myers, told reporters that “originally, we did have a minor issue with Hamas allowing women onto the panel…or into the room for that matter. But we were able to solve the small conundrum fairly quickly. Thankfully we have a lot of experience dealing with the Arab view of female inferiority from when we collaborated with them to denounce Israel for its egregious societal violations during Israel Apartheid Month.”

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In the event that this move fails to bring peace to the Middle East and the West Coast, President Obama has warned the Israelis as well as the Jewish community in San Diego that they may need to evacuate their homes as a unilateral sign of good faith by the Jewish people. Rabbi Avram Bogopulsky of San Diego Synagogue declared to his congregants and reporters at a rally yesterday that “we will not stand for this! If the United States plans to enforce this evacuation they will be willing accomplices in Hamas fulfilling its promise to ‘drive the Jews of San Diego into the Sea World!’”

Additionally, with UCLA, UC Irvine, Davis, Riverside, and Santa Barbara in such close proximity, Los Angeles Jewish communities in Beverlywood and Hancock Park have begun constructing bunkers for anticipated rocket fire. The missile shelling is all but a certainty after Hamas Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh extolled the agreement with the universities due to its contribution to the “enabling of our grand and effective tradition of launching rockets from school grounds, to continue. I can’t wait for the UN to come down on San Jose and Sacramento for trying to stop us.” The UCs are reportedly mulling over the creation of an undergraduate program that would allow students to obtain a Bachelors Associate Degree in being a human target.

When asked if he truly thought this plan was practical, prudent, and enforceable, Myers responded “I absolutely believe that this can work. There is not a doubt in my mind that this is just as practical and potentially effective as the two-state solution working in the Middle East.”
 


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