THE JERUSALEM ROAST EXCLUSIVE: The Iranian space and nuclear weapons programs have hit opposition from a new,
unexpected source. Animal rights activists around the world have united in the
common cause to stop Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s regime launching any more primates
into space.
“Clearly the Iranians don’t give a monkey’s butt for animal
welfare,” said Mickey Katz, a spokeswoman for FETA (Fanatics for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals). “It’s one thing when they threaten the ‘Zionist dogs’ all
the time – without taking into consideration the feelings of canines anywhere in
the world – and it’s another thing completely when they start launching primates
into the atmosphere.”
Asked about the possibility that the photographs of
the Iranian monkey turned astronaut were fake, Katz answered: “We noticed the
signs of monkey business in the photos with a great deal of concern. It’s
possible they are just aping the Americans and other capitalist pigs but we are
worried that they did launch a monkey and it didn’t
survive.
“Incidentally,” he added, “we’d like to remind people that
making a wish on a dead monkey’s paw is dangerous. You should always be careful
what you wish for.”
A member of another animal rights organization was
also adamant that no good could come out of the Iranian space
program.
“We cannot accept the abuse of primates and other animals in
this manner,” said the member who asked to remain anonymous. “We think the only
time this would be acceptable is if Ahmadinejad himself were launched into the
great unknown, along with the gorillas who guard him.”
No response from
the Iranians was available by press time.
Repeated phone calls were met
with sounds like “Ah-ah-ah, oohooh- ooh.”
Happy Purim from The Jerusalem Post!