The idiot’s guide to wooing Jewish women
I know, just thinking about it is making you nervous, but that’s our natural state.
love hearts image Photo: Courtesy
Young Jewish men face a variety of questions when it comes to dating:
Should I bring my own halla? Who says the blessings over the candles
at a romantic restaurant? How do I show her I’m cool without directly
referencing how I aced my Haftorah portion?
I know, just thinking
about it is making you nervous, but that’s our natural state. We all
know some of the traditional wisdom men are given for dating. Allow me
to take that advice to the next level, and show you an ideal date where
your lady will have the best time one can have without even setting foot
in a store that sells fine Judaica.
You pick her up in your
choice 1998 Toyota Avalon with electronic seat adjustment technology.
You mention you call your Avalon “Lonnie” for short, and she is
undoubtedly super impressed.
be careful here, the first stop sets the tone for the entire night.
Apparently some people see Jewish men as nebbish and overly sensitive,
which makes me cry. Fight that stereotype and take her to just that: a
fight. It shows that you’re a man who knows what’s going on in the
streets. You don’t actually have to brawl, just make knowledgeable
offhand comments like “that guy has serious fists” and “these days the
real fight is in the economy.”
your masculinity secured, it’s time to take her out to a nice meal and
really get to know her. Here you want to show her that you're a capable
Jewish provider, so upon sitting down, immediately announce your
intentions to not only buy dinner but also the table and chairs where
you’re sitting. Then, give your lady a smirk with one eyebrow raised.
Women aren’t sure if that means you’re being coy or trying to get
something out of your teeth, but either way, jackpot.
she asks what you do and you’re not a doctor or a lawyer—that’s
okay—it’s important to just be passionate about your job. If you are a
doctor or a lawyer, I hate you, but I also have several rash-related
questions, both medical and legal; please e-mail me.
dating, listening attentively and having an opinion is certainly
important, but how do you distinguish yourself from the other guys? You
want her to know that no one is surer of themselves than you. Every time
she states an opinion, choose a side and then yell “YES” or “NO” and
slam your fists down on the table. When you state your own opinions,
loudly follow them up with “AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT.” And she will,
to her diary, when describing how awesome you are.
she is Jewish or not, she will appreciate the forethought and
organization of a man who is prepared. Mention how ready you are for
upcoming Jewish holidays: You already hid the afikomen for next year,
you regularly throw darts at a picture of Haman, and you’re already
feeling all your Jewish guilt in advance of actually doing something
wrong. Both the mother in her and her actual mother will be proud.
Lock It up
all-important kiss at the door. To ease awkwardness, mention the one
thing that will be near a Jewish girl’s door: the mezuzah. Tell her that
her eyes are more beautiful than the mezuzah’s distinctive patterns, or
alternatively just distract her with a question about the mezuzah and
go straight in for a neck kiss.
Leave your lady watching you
confidently use remote control technology to unlock your car doors, and
ride off into the night, five miles under the speed limit and careful to
obey all traffic laws.