The idiot’s guide to wooing Jewish women

Young Jewish men face a variety of questions when it comes to dating: Should I bring my own halla? Who says the blessings over the candles at a romantic restaurant? How do I show her I’m cool without directly referencing how I aced my Haftorah portion?

I know, just thinking about it is making you nervous, but that’s our natural state. We all know some of the traditional wisdom men are given for dating. Allow me to take that advice to the next level, and show you an ideal date where your lady will have the best time one can have without even setting foot in a store that sells fine Judaica.

You pick her up in your choice 1998 Toyota Avalon with electronic seat adjustment technology. You mention you call your Avalon “Lonnie” for short, and she is undoubtedly super impressed.

Manliness

Now be careful here, the first stop sets the tone for the entire night. Apparently some people see Jewish men as nebbish and overly sensitive, which makes me cry. Fight that stereotype and take her to just that: a fight. It shows that you’re a man who knows what’s going on in the streets. You don’t actually have to brawl, just make knowledgeable offhand comments like “that guy has serious fists” and “these days the real fight is in the economy.”

Generosity

With your masculinity secured, it’s time to take her out to a nice meal and really get to know her. Here you want to show her that you're a capable Jewish provider, so upon sitting down, immediately announce your intentions to not only buy dinner but also the table and chairs where you’re sitting. Then, give your lady a smirk with one eyebrow raised. Women aren’t sure if that means you’re being coy or trying to get something out of your teeth, but either way, jackpot.

Work

If she asks what you do and you’re not a doctor or a lawyer—that’s okay—it’s important to just be passionate about your job. If you are a doctor or a lawyer, I hate you, but I also have several rash-related questions, both medical and legal; please e-mail me.

Confidence

In dating, listening attentively and having an opinion is certainly important, but how do you distinguish yourself from the other guys? You want her to know that no one is surer of themselves than you. Every time she states an opinion, choose a side and then yell “YES” or “NO” and slam your fists down on the table. When you state your own opinions, loudly follow them up with “AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT.” And she will, to her diary, when describing how awesome you are.

Judaism

Whether she is Jewish or not, she will appreciate the forethought and organization of a man who is prepared. Mention how ready you are for upcoming Jewish holidays: You already hid the afikomen for next year, you regularly throw darts at a picture of Haman, and you’re already feeling all your Jewish guilt in advance of actually doing something wrong. Both the mother in her and her actual mother will be proud.

Lock It up

The all-important kiss at the door. To ease awkwardness, mention the one thing that will be near a Jewish girl’s door: the mezuzah. Tell her that her eyes are more beautiful than the mezuzah’s distinctive patterns, or alternatively just distract her with a question about the mezuzah and go straight in for a neck kiss.

Leave your lady watching you confidently use remote control technology to unlock your car doors, and ride off into the night, five miles under the speed limit and careful to obey all traffic laws.