Divorcing parents need to be sensitive to the change their children are going through.
By MIKE GROPPERDivorce(photo credit: ING IMAGE/ASAP)
For the 1.5 million children in the US whose parents divorce every year – about one out of every two marriages – many feel as if their worlds are collapsing. In Israel, the divorce rate is around 25 percent.Divorcing parents are usually very concerned about the welfare of their children during this troublesome process, but often so self-absorbed with their own survival issues that even the best of parents are unprepared for how to help their children cope with a divorce.Some parents are so worried about their children that they remain in unhappy marriages, believing this will protect their offspring from the trauma of divorce.Yet parents who split up have reasons for hope. Researchers have found that when divorce strikes, certainly an emotional hardship for kids of any age, only a relatively small percentage of children experience long-term serious problems both as children and later as adults.This article describes common reactions of children of divorced parents, and gives tips that have been found to protect children from the potentially harmful effects of divorce.Short-term effects of divorce on children While divorce affects most children when it occurs, research also shows that most of these children recover rapidly. In addition to the initial shock, researchers have identified that most children, when learning about their parents’ divorce, feel anxiety, anger and disbelief.The initial anxiety is due to a realization that their world is about to change drastically. Older children and teenagers describe a sense of shock and disbelief when hearing their parents are splitting up, while at the same time, many sensed it was coming because of the high-conflict environment between the parents.Other kids report total shock, without any awareness at all. The children who did not see it coming have more difficulty adjusting to the news because they were totally unaware that their parents’ relationship was in such trouble.Divorce is particularly scary for younger children.They don’t have the language and emotional tools or the kind of social support and friends to talk to that an older child can rely on. Younger children are confused and need a lot of emotional support and attention, at a time when the parents may be overwhelmed and perhaps less emotionally available. Some of the younger children may be more prone to develop depression and show signs of impaired functioning such as regression, clinginess, bouts of crying, anger and severe anxiety.Clearly, when children are told their parents are divorcing, the child’s normal behavior will be negatively affected. Differences in coping style and temperament of the child impacts his/her reactions to hearing the news. More resilient children just get through these initial stages better; some kids are more sensitive and less resilient, and may not cope as well.It is recommended, however, that parents, when unsure how to tell their children they are getting divorced, turn to counselors to get advice on how to break the news to their children. Each child is different and will react differently, and developmental stages and appropriately chosen language need to be considered in communicating this information to children.Long-term effects The research on the long-term effects of divorce from the later childhood years through adolescence generally shows that when compared to children of married parents, very small differences are found regarding academic achievement, emotional and behavioral problems, delinquency, self-concept and social relationships.But there are parent-related confounding factors that may impinge on the child’s well-being and must be examined. Sometimes, as a result of the divorce, parents may suffer from depression, severe emotional anxiety or crippling economic pressures – and this may impact on their ability to work and take care of their children. These problems can impair a parent’s ability to offer children stability and love when it is most needed. If these issues go unattended, children may begin to show dysfunctional behavior.Again, in these cases, family counseling may be very beneficial to ameliorate the situation and provide help for both parents and children.Some basic advice for parents who divorce 1. When a decision to divorce is made, be careful how you explain this to the children. “Should the children be told together as a group?” is a common question I am asked. My recommendation is to speak to each child alone. Explain to them clearly in age-appropriate language why you are divorcing, but do not overload the child with too much information.More importantly, listen to their feelings and concerns.Some kids will be quiet at first and not respond at all. Be aware that this young person is in a bit of shock and disbelief, and will need time to absorb the new reality. This is a time when secure parent-child bonds are truly tested, as to whether the child or teen can feel safe enough to begin to talk about his or her feelings.2. Don’t make kids messengers. When the separation occurs between parents, don’t ask your child to ask the other parent for X or Y. These communications should be a parental responsibility. Use email or text messages if need be, but don’t put your child in the role of go-between.3. Don’t “parentalize” your teenager. Teens need to be in control of themselves and their emotions. Often it may be safer for them to take on the role of listening to your feelings rather than dealing with their own.However, be careful not to fall into this tempting trap.If you need help, get it from the outside – be it a friend, rabbi or therapist – and the same may also hold true for your teenager.4. Try to understand your child. Regularly ask questions about how it is going for them, and how you can be of help.5. Try to avoid demonizing your ex in front of the kids. You may in fact have good reason to do so, but this only hurts the child or teen. No kid wants to hear this kind of talk about their father or mother.6. Avoid the third degree. Following visits with the ex, don’t be overly intrusive with your children or convey feelings of jealousy and/or competitiveness with your ex. Just stay focused on how important it is for children to have good visits with the other parent.7. It is always best for parents to try to develop an amicable relationship after divorce. This helps make decision- making easier concerning joint responsibilities in raising children. Furthermore, it benefits the child’s emotional well-being.Divorce is not an easy matter, but the literature clearly shows there is hope for children of divorce. The most important challenge for parents is to realize that they can still be good and loving parents, even as they go through the stages of rebuilding their lives.The next article will focus on “starting over.”This is the second of a three-part series on the emotional side of divorce. Part 3 will appear on April 17.The writer is a marital, child and adult psychotherapist with offices in Jerusalem and Ra’anana; he also provides online videoconferencing psychotherapy. Drmikegropper@ gmail.com, www.drmikegropper.weebly.com
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