Parenting lesson one: Raising a mensch

Children need your love and the reassurance that you are there for them and will provide a safe and secure environment in which to grow.

By BATYA L. LUDMAN
Parents are the most important influence on how a child acts. Make sure to support good behavior. (photo credit: MCT)
Parents are the most important influence on how a child acts. Make sure to support good behavior.
(photo credit: MCT)
One might think a father, happily at prayer and apparently totally oblivious to the noise and havoc his son was creating, would feel a little embarrassed. Why would he not intervene in an attempt to maintain some decorum in the synagogue? I sometimes think that when asked to take their children to shul, many husbands interpret this request literally. They bring their children and then seem to forget that they are responsible for their children’s behavior until it is time to leave. As the noise levels increase and the kids entice others to run wild, it feels like only we grumpy older folk notice.
This is not a column about dads (to be fair, moms too can be guilty) or about forgetting your children – although with the onset of summer heat, it is hard not to comment on that latter issue. Not removing an active or noisy child from a place where decorum is expected when they first start to misbehave is disrespectful and also sends the wrong message to the child.
As their parent, you are the most important influence on your child, providing an important role model of both good and bad behavior. You teach them appropriate communication, problem solving, derech eretz (moral development), social skills and more.
How you choose to parent will in large part determine who your child is, who he becomes, and where he goes in life.
Children need your love and the reassurance that you are there for them and will provide a safe and secure environment in which to grow. This very important, rewarding but demanding job is a lifetime commitment which sadly comes with little or no formal training. Your education is obtained by “hands on” experience and the work challenges can be enormous. While much of your role involves on-the-job training for which you can’t fully prepare, you will need to learn as you go. Here are a few suggestions to help you get started:
1. Recognize your child’s developmental needs and temperament and custom-fit your parenting to each child. Distinguish between age-appropriate but annoying behavior and misbehavior. You can’t expect your toddler to sit quietly for more than a brief period – even when rewarded with a stash of books or toys and a quiet snack! It is not that he doesn’t want to. He simply can’t. Hence, he may misbehave.
2. Catch your child “being good” and reward it. Be positive. Giving attention to any behavior will increase its occurrence. So notice and praise appropriate behavior and you’ll see more of it. Inadvertently rewarding poor behavior will encourage more of that. Remember the class clown and how much attention he got? If you must punish a child, make sure the punishment is not excessive, fits the crime and is given close in time to the infraction. We’ll talk more about punishment next time.
3. Lovingly teach your child that there are rules. If your son sits like a big boy, he’ll be rewarded with your affection, praise and inclusion. He, like all of us, needs to learn that you can’t do whatever you want, whenever you want.
4. Keep it simple. Use short simple sentences, age-appropriate language and give clear instructions. Long explanations are confusing and he’ll miss the importance of your message.
5. Recognize that your child’s concept of time and space is limited. If your child is a dawdler, you need to allow extra time so he can enjoy smelling each flower as he walks with you. Don’t you wish you only knew what went on in his little head? Link time to concrete events. “I’ll be home after you finish your bath” or “You can get up out of bed when Mr. Sun is up” both work.
6. Say what you mean. Be clear and direct so that both the words and the content are understood. Be specific in your requests, and if you are not sure that your child understands you, ask him to repeat what he thinks you said so you can clarify your comments. Be open with a child, but don’t overwhelm him with more information than needed.
7. Mean what you say. Don’t say one thing and do another. Keep your promises so your child learns that he can count on you. If you tell your child you will let him know when you have to leave, don’t sneak out the door. Be honest. If he knows that you will be there when he needs you, that you will tell him when you are going and returning, he will worry less and feel more secure. You want him to be able to trust and depend on you. Children also need to know that there are consequences for their actions, either positive, like a movie rental for a clean room, or negative – no movie tonight.
8. Provide structure and routine. When you provide routine for your child, life becomes more predictable and everyone benefits. It makes it easier and faster for him to learn what is expected and he’ll gain a better understanding of time.
9. Set clear rules and expectations. Set limits and be consistent. Again, when limits are appropriate, and rules consistently reinforced, your child will learn what is expected and feel happier and more secure, learn to plan, understand time, and so much more. Consistency is critical.
10. Be available to your child and be there on his level. Put down your devices, get down to your child’s level, make eye contact and really listen with sincerity.
Quality and quantity time are the minimal requirements of a healthy relationship.
Being able to raise a child and watch him grow into an adult while enjoying it all the while is one of the best gifts we could be given. Accomplishing this the way you’d like is not without its significant challenges. Next time we will look at just how to raise both resilient parents and resilient children. Happy parenting!
The author is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana, and author of the book, Life’s Journey: Exploring Relationships – Resolving Conflicts. She has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000. Send correspondence to ludman@netvision.net.il or visit her website at www.drbatyaludman.com.