The recent item in a Jerusalem Hebrew weekly that a downtown Internet café had opened a whole floor for young haredi men offering private booths for viewing pornographic videos was a titillating item for the average reader.
But for "Ya'acov" - an observant computer programmer living in the Jerusalem area who two years ago singlehandedly established a virtual "community" to help haredi men fight their addiction to porn - it brought only sadness. A happily married man with several children, Ya'acov had "personal experience among some family members" with this specific addiction and wanted to help sufferers.
His free English-language project, called Guard Your Eyes (at www.guardureyes.com and www.guardyoureyes.org), has already helped thousands.
THE WEB sites include 250 pages of information, all composed or collected by its founder. The site with the .com ending provided information such as how to filter out pornographic Web sites and Frequently Asked Questions, but the newer site is more dynamic and includes blogs and new articles. By the way, as his own sites sometimes use "forbidden" words, users may have to make it an exception so that filters allow access.
The project, says Ya'acov, has received the blessings of leading haredi rabbis who are aware of the problem in their communities. The project continues off tax-deductible donations and without help, but the man behind it says that despite the uncertainty, he is determined to reach more religious men and their families.
"I have seen the family problems that Internet pornography has caused. It is one of our generation's biggest tests. We have to learn to deal with it. Pornography available in a public place is much more difficult to obtain."
Ya'acov (who can be contacted by e-mail at eyes.guard@gmail.com) notes that nearly all modern Orthodox families are online at home. One rabbi Ya'acov quotes has stated that 80-90% of modern Orthodox men have been exposed to pornography. "But modern Orthodox don't make such a big deal of it because they are involved in the secular world, so it doesn't destroy the fabric of their community."
The rate of haredi (Lithuanian-style and hassidic) who have Internet access is difficult to pin down; he estimates a minimum of 25%. Since many haredi rabbis realize that Internet cannot be banned from homes merely by "prohibiting" it, efforts must be made to prevent its abuse and protect men from addiction; a small number of religious women are addicted to pornography as well, but it is much less attractive to them, Ya'acov says, as "women tend to prefer an emotional connection to men rather than only lust."
Pornography is "very powerful" and difficult to shake off for both religious and secular men, he continues. One can reach millions of images with a click of the mouse. "Once you start looking, you begin to think evil thoughts and become powerless. You can never get enough." Ya'acov says the pleasure centers in the brain and the secretion of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine are involved in the development of such addiction. "They can be more powerful than any drug. It doesn't happen overnight. Pleasuring oneself [masturbation] gradually blazes neuron pathways in the brain, causing a man to want repeated stimulation." Maybe, he suggests, genes are also involved.
If a man is raised religious and continues this way of life, says Ya'acov, he won't eat non-kosher food or violate Shabbat, but he could nevertheless get hooked on Internet porn. Men may let their curiosity get the better of them. After all, the Web has become a routine tool for obtaining information and also for Torah study. But haredim who develop an addiction to pornography "eat themselves up alive. They are sure they are dirty people and that God despises them. They had always considered themselves believing Jews, and here they are unable to control themselves. They feel like hypocrites, and may question their own faith. Sometimes they hide it from their wives for years."
THIS IS a "promiscuous generation," says Ya'acov, although he concedes that there is plenty of promiscuity mentioned in the Bible. "But the religious - and especially haredi - communities see the subject of sex as taboo and don't offer sex education to the younger generation until they are engaged. Many haredi youths have no idea how babies are made, even though their mothers are frequently pregnant. Sex is part of life, but Judaism recognizes it as kosher only in a holy context."
He says he "tries to use the power of the Internet against itself." So far, more than 700 people have become anonymous members of the "community" and automatically receive daily support (called hizuk in Hebrew) on how to cope with their addiction and eventually free themselves of it. About half of them are Israeli, with the rest from the US and other English-speaking countries. Ya'acov says he aims to make the information and support available in Hebrew and other languages. "We are building a forum in Hebrew for producing material for a Web site."
As the Web sites cater to the religious community, many of the "treatment" techniques are based on the wisdom of Jewish sages and the desire to get closer to God. However, says Ya'acov, his approach uses or endorses all the contemporary tools for breaking addictions, such as psychotherapy, medication to minimize libido, 12-Step groups, online filters and accountability partners. The sites also have a "Wall of Honor" for members (using false names) to be recognized for abandoning their addiction. An English forum (one for men and one for women) allows people to voice their feelings and offer advice. One man writes: "You can't wrestle with a pig and not get dirty. The thoughts will come - accept that. It doesn't mean anything. At those times, try to just acknowledge that they popped into your head, wish them a friendly 'Shalom Aleichem!' and then move on to try and do something else. Worrying about them or doing something with the express purpose of getting rid of them just won't work. Pray to God and say: 'I know it's my fault that I have these thoughts. I don't want them. Help me to distract myself.' "
