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Why nice Jewish boys fall in love with Israel
Posted by David Wainer, Miami and Boston, USA
If there is one aspect of a nice Jewish boy's lifestyle that is drastically altered whenever he sets foot in Israel, it is that of his dating scene. A nice suburbanite Jewish boy growing up in a south Florida neighborhood - or say in New Jersey or New York - is always on the lookout for a nice Jewish girl. He lives in a world of seclusion typically attending Jewish summer camps, Jewish day schools, Jewish basketball leagues, Jewish youth movements and even Jewish parties.
Now, this Jewish 16 or 17-year-old boy might tell you that he is keen on participating in Jewish events because he appreciates Jewish culture or wants to be well connected with the Jewish community, but whatever this Jewish boy tells you, there are two main reasons why he does what he does.
First and foremost: Jewish girls (trust me on this one). Second (and just as important) is the Jewish boy's mother who always prods at the Jewish boy to hangout with other Jewish boys. Whatever this Jewish mother tells you, her main reason for having her Jewish boy hang out with other Jewish boys is basic: so that the Jewish boy meets a nice Jewish girl. So we conclude from this what was rather intuitive: a Jewish boy's main goal in life during his teenage years is to intermingle with Jewish girls.
Of course he thinks about real estate or medicine from time to time (both career options quite successful at snatching Jewish girls), and he allots a major portion of his time to weight-lifting or basketball or soccer (quite conducive in attracting Jewish girls as well), but most of the time, Jewish boys are thinking of the supreme end which we all know. The nice "catch", as Jewish mothers so often refer to.
Eventually the nice Jewish boy graduates from high school and makes his way to a large campus university, preferably with a condensed Jewish girl population. When was the last time that you met a nice Jewish boy who studied at Notre Dame or Lafayette College or Ohio State or Ave Maria College? A nice Jewish boy goes to Harvard or Columbia if he can. If not, he settles for GWU, BU, U Maryland, American, Emory, Rutgers or one of the multitudes of schools where the bait is high. NY city schools are popular as well, and so are well-known state schools.
In college the Jewish boy is faced with a conundrum. He now has less access and time to all the "Jewish events" which he was so fond of during middle school and high school. However, the Jewish boy hustles through the same way he did at the JCC Maccabi games. He goes to the Hillel for Shabbat every once in a while even though he detests the awkwardness of walking though campus entirely too well dressed.
He goes to social gatherings for Jews such as Matzah Ball or his college's "Students for Israel" meetings. Every time he's asked by his nice non-Jewish friends where he's going so fresh and so clean he responds, "Oh just some Jewish stuff" (so as not to deal with having to explain what a Matzah Ball really is because he himself is still trying to figure out why they had to come up with such a corny name in titling the event).
So, the Jewish boy, unless he lucks out and finds that nice Jewish girlfriend, struggles in college. He goes to wild frat parties with his friends often to meet REALLY nice non-Jewish sorority girls whom he certainly does not refrain from engaging with. Often times, he engages with them for a substantial amount of time until images of his mother start popping up in his head so frequently. The Jewish boy's paranoia from dating a non-Jewish girl multiplies exponentially with each day until he can't take it anymore, and like a true mentsch, ends the relationship.
Some nights, the nice Jewish boy sits home at night just wondering how life would be if all the women around him were Jewish. He pulls out his financial calculator and calculates how much his returns on Jewish girl dating would increase if the 20% Jewish population in his campus climbed up to 100%. The Jewish boy looks at the final figure in his calculator and becomes bewildered. Immediately, he logs on to Facebook and clicks on the Jews of ____ group page. He clicks on the Birthright link and next thing you know, in December, he and three other Jewish boys from AE∏ are off to Israel.
The American Jewish boy in an Israel tour trip is like a rookie NBA player who just came into his first million dollar check; he is paralyzed by the enormity of his options which were never in existence before. He hears the row call, "Veronica Feldman, Jessica Adler, Grace Ruthberg, Jesse Greenberg, Naomi Waismann, Erica Saltzbergâ€¦" and so on. He doesn't need to do anymore background checks. He's gold, they're all Jewish. The security girl is Jewish, the waitress is Jewish, the madricha is Jewish, even the McDonald's vendor is Jewish (unthinkable in the US). No need to mention- all the participants in the trip are JEWISH. Israel to him now becomes a huge Jewish camp. Whether he roams over to Zolly's or Laila in downtown Jerusalem, or the myriad of clubs in Tel Aviv, the Jewish boy and his friends are in paradise. And then, after 3 maybe 4 "engagements" amongst his all-nighters in the hotel rooms with all the vibrant Jewish youth in Israel, in a jam-packed 10-day stay at the amusement park, the Jewish boy reluctantly returns to the United States.
It is no surprise after all, that Jewish boys are unanimously in love with Israel.
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