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The peerless 15th century scientist, engineer and artist Leonardo da Vinci mastered the secrets of immortality, faked his own death, spent centuries living in a cave in what is today's East Talpiot, and has now re-emerged under the identity of Israeli-Canadian filmmaker Simcha Jacobodavinci, according to the findings of a sensational new documentary and book to be released this week. Entitled "The Jacobodavinci Code," the documentary is subtitled: "The eyes, the flair, the facial-hair - Len and Simcha are an unmissable pair."
The documentary's extraordinary claims have been dismissed as "completely ridiculous rubbish without any remotely conceivable basis whatsoever," by the Jerusalem-based archeologist Prof. Amos Kolknower, who shares the same father, and mother, as da Vinci and grew up with him in Vinci, Italy.
But the documentary makers have countered Kolknower's critique in a complex and thoroughly argued press release that stated, in full: "We don't care what he says. So, boo-hoo! Ours is a great yarn, and by the time anyone disproves it completely we'll be on to the next project."
Among the other sensational findings in the new documentary is that the hitherto much-debated subject of Da Vinci's most famous painting, Mona Lisa, was actually the virgin Mary ("Maria"). The filmmakers claim to have undertaken ultra-modern patina testing of some of Da Vinci's paperwork relating to the painting, and established beyond all statistical doubt that he actually called the work "Maria Lisa" and that it had been misread as "Mona" rather than "Maria" because an errant bread crumb had landed over the "ari," blotching the lettering.
Proving this thesis beyond what they say is all reasonable doubt, the filmmakers point out triumphantly that "Maria Lisa" was the name given to the virgin Mary in the Mel Gibson epic "The Last Depiction of Jesus's Mother." Gibson himself is well known as a direct descendant of Leonardo da Vinci, and as the current Grand Master of the Priory of Sion as cited in bestselling author Dan Brown's undisputed historical record of that lineage.
Further cementing their "Leonardo is still alive theory," say the filmmakers, is the fact that the legendary artist recently recreated another of his most famous paintings, "The Last Supper," in the form of a modern photograph of Israeli soldiers under the pseudonym Adi Nes.
"Adi Nes is, of course, a perfect anagram of the name 'Diane's," the director of the sensational new documentary, James "I'm the king of the world" Cameron, told The Jerusalem Please Make It Stop
yesterday. "By using this cunning pseudonym," said Cameron, "Leonardo is hinting to us all that, like the legendary Queen of England Diane Princess of Whales, he did not meet his death in a car crash in an underground tunnel in Paris, but is rather still with us today, masquerading as my good friend Simcha Jacobodavinci. I'm only amazed that nobody put two and two and two together to make four long ago."
The Leonardo/Adi Nes photograph was sold at a Sotheby's auction last week for a record $264,000. That 264,000 figure, according to esteemed Toronto statistician Prof. Andrey Hopenobodysgonnacheckthistooclosely, coincides precisely with the number of days that have passed since Leonardo's presumed death on May 2, 1519, when divided by the kilometrage on a second-hand bulldozer recently purchased by Jacobodavinci from Israeli antiquities dealer Oded Gonewrong.
The Jerusalem Please Make It Stop I'm Begging You Now
also notes that at a recent New York press conference, Jacobodavinci/Da Vinci lapsed briefly into a foreign language when answering a question posed by a reporter from Romania. Quickly realizing his error, Jacobodavinci/Da Vinci claimed he had been "speaking Romanian."
But as every schoolchild knows, Romania has no language of its own, getting by instead on a combination of Swahili and Yiddish. What Jacobodavinci/Da Vinci was actually speaking, The Jerusalem Ok That's It I'm Cutting This Off At The End of The Sentence
has established, was ancient Aramaic, and what he actually said was "Tell Dan Brown to meet Cameron and me in the lobby after this gig, because we've got a brilliant idea for a TV series starring Estherina Tartman."