Children, children please! Settle down. Quiet.
We’re all very upset,
tired and hungry, but we have a lot to get through today and we need to begin.
So please sit down and be quiet.
OK, as chairchild of this committee I
will first read out a statement and then read out the agenda and then everyone
can have his and her say, then we’ll make up some new laws and everything will
be okay and then we can all go outside and play.
First, the statement:
Like children everywhere in this country, we are shocked to our core by the
recent behavior of some of our parents. It is quite clear to us, despite our
small ages and littleness, that there is very little correct playing together by
the organizations of the government that are supposed to look after our parents
so that they don’t become crazy in the head and kill us. All children are
children at risk and this committee must make laws that will help our parents
and the government play nice with each other, for our sakes. These laws must
take into account our parents’ right to their mental privacy so that not
everyone in the world knows what scary monsters are running around in their
heads, but that privacy must not come at the expense of our safety. This
committee calls on all the different people in the government with all the
information about some of our crazy parents to share that information with each
other, right now.
Now, on to the agenda: How to stop parents from killing
their children; how to stop parents from using their children as immigration
human shields; how to stop the government from using children as excuses to boot
their parents out of the country; and how to stop parents from one ethnic group
from teaching their kids to hate children from another ethnic
First off, let’s hear from the child who wants to grow up to be a
The child who wants to be a politician: Thank you, Miss
Chairchild. I want to propose a law that would make it harder to release a
really messed-up-in-the-head parent from a hospital. I mean, if the really
messed-upin- the-head parent is already in a psychiatric hospital and the
doctors want to release him/her, then someone must ask the children if that’s
okay, like if they’re okay with mommy or daddy, who are really sick in the head,
coming home. I know we all want to see our mommies and daddies at home and happy
and everything, but maybe the psychiatrists can ask us how we feel about
And if we’re scared about it then the parent mustn’t come home yet.
Or maybe the parent can come home with a doctor or someone who can sit in the
corner and watch, like our grandparents have. And also, maybe the doctors or the
police or someone can come and spend some time in the house with us when that
mommy and daddy, who are really sick in the head, come back home.
psychiatrists should be there when we see the crazyin- the-head parent, just to
see if everything’s okay.
Chairchild: I think the psychiatrists should
stay in the hospitals and the nice people from the social services office should
come by the house and be there when the parent comes home. But they could also
be really busy because there are so many of us kids who need them.
ask the children who want to be psychiatrists and social workers when they grow
up: How easy it is to release a parent who is really sick in the head from
psychiatric detention? Maybe when they get out the doctors who let him go should
tell someone, like the police or the social services? The child who wants to
grow up to be a social worker: Well, we don’t hear so much from the
psychiatrists and when we do it’s not really enough information and it comes
really late, when we’re already tired or doing other things. When they tell us
that a crazy-in-the-head parent is better now, because they’ve been eating three
meals a day like good parents and taking their pills after they eat, we believe
them, and then we allow them to see their children. But they don’t tell us what
could happen to those parents once they’re out of the hospital and not taking
the pills anymore because they’re not allowed to tell us more than what they’re
allowed to tell us. I think they just don’t know what a parent could do once
they release them from hospital.
The child who wants to grow up to be a
judge: It’s called a nondisclosure boundary and it’s important for our
democracy, otherwise we’ll all know how crazy everyone here is. And it’s also
dangerous to interfere in family dynamics because that would also endanger our
The child who wants to grow up to be a politician: Jeez, those
are big words. So let’s change that law. Let’s make it that the psychiatrists
have to tell the social workers to watch out for parents who are really sick in
the head, and the social workers have to tell the police, and the police have to
watch our houses all the time. It’s not so nice for the police, and they’re busy
running after bad guys also, but our parents need someone to watch over them
while they’re watching over us.
THE CHILD WHO wants to grow up to be a
psychiatrist: Miss Chairchild, the child who wants to be a social worker and the
child who wants to be a politician are clearly crazy in the head. They can’t put
the blame on us; we’re innocent professionals, we’re professional innocents.
What I propose is a really tough law that says that when we release a parent
from psychiatric care because he or she is a little bit better in the head, the
social services need to keep a close eye on that parent. We don’t have the time
to follow every a little-bit-better-in-the-head parent back home. In any case,
we are doctors, and we can’t give parents an “almost stable” stamp, or a
“temporarily stable” stamp, or an “okay for now but watch this person closely”
stamp. That wouldn’t be nice, and by law, no social worker would allow that
parent to visit his or her children, that means us, and that wouldn’t be nice
The child who wants to grow up to be a social worker: So
let’s change the law. We can’t do this alone. We can’t take responsibility for
our really complicated parents, with all of the monsters in their heads. It’s
not enough that the hospital tells us that the person is “stable”; that “right
now” he’s not psychotic, and he can meet us, his children, and leave it at that.
That’s not good enough.
Chairchild: I’m hearing blame from both sides.
The social workers are blaming the psychiatrists; the psychiatrists are saying
that the social workers are clearly insane and that the lawmakers, the police,
and the judges are all living in a fantasy-land and need urgent
The child who wants to grow up to be a psychiatrist: Miss
Chairchild, you’re sounding a little crazy in the head, maybe you should calm
down. Take a chill pill. In any case, what we’re talking about are parents who
are crazy in the head and you can tell that because they try kill themselves,
sometimes before they kill us, and sometimes after they kill us. So we need to
go after parents who want to kill themselves, because they’re the ones that
might end up killing us.
The child who wants to grow up to be a
policeman: There is no legal way to arrest parents who just threaten to kill
themselves, or actually try to kill themselves, so maybe we should change that
law too. Like, let’s make it illegal to kill yourself, period. And if you try,
we’ll put you in jail, and if you succeed in killing yourself, the judges will
throw the book at you and you’ll never come out of jail.
do we figure out how dangerous a parent is to themselves and their children? Is
there a way that the social workers could add their input into the
psychiatrists’ evaluation of a parent’s level of dangerous craziness?
who wants to grow up to be a psychiatrist: Well, there’s no way to tell really
unless we keep them in hospital for a very, very long time. And that could
actually make them worse. And the social welfare people have no idea how to spot
The child who wants to grow up to be a social
worker: I’m looking at one now! You’re crazy in the head for letting
crazy-in-the-head parents out of hospital!
Chairchild: Okay stop it, you’re
behaving badly. Both of you. So maybe children should visit their
sick-in-thehead parents only in the hospitals or in police stations? Child who
wants to grow up to be a policeman: I don’t like hospitals.
wants to grow up to be a doctor: I don’t like police
Chairchild: Okay, look we’re all tired and this is getting
nowhere, and we haven’t even discussed the other issues on the agenda. Let’s
take a break for a few months and come back to this with renewed strength.
Hopefully no more children will die until firstname.lastname@example.org
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