Snap Judgment: A political bombhell

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December 15, 2005 13:10

 
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DECEMBER 14, 2005: After four years of patient waiting, Pnina Rosenblum - the former model, Eurovision Song Contest contestant, national bleached-blonde sex symbol and self-made cosmetics tycoon who holds the 39th position on the Likud Knesset list - is sworn in to fill the vacated seat of Tzahi Hanegbi, who abandoned the Likud for Ariel Sharon's Kadima party. Rosenblum, whose active term of office will expire in just eight days when the current Knesset dissolves on December 21, also resigns from Likud to form her own one-woman faction, the "Kadima with Pnina" party. To address the problem of growing economic distress and social disparity, Pnina immediately introduces the "Rosenblum Full Employment Bill," which provides guaranteed jobs for all unemployed Israeli women over 18 as saleswomen for Pnina Rosenblum Cosmetics; all unemployed men over the age of 35 as shipping clerks in the company's warehouses; and all unemployed men under 35 as "personal assistants to the chairwoman." A stunned Knesset passes the Rosenblum Bill by consensus vote, the Tel Aviv Stock Market shoots up to record highs, and a grateful Prime Minister Sharon brings Rosenblum into the coalition as "special diplomatic envoy," ordering her to fly to Washington to "work a little of that Pnina magic on the White House." DECEMBER 15: Rosenblum arrives in Washington and heads for the State Department. After a grueling two-hour negotiating session with Condoleezza Rice, the newly blonde secretary of state tells reporters: "Pnina is right; if a woman has a nice pair of legs, she shouldn't be afraid to let the rest of the world know it." Rice escorts Rosenblum to the White House, where a smitten President George W. Bush declares "This is the kind of woman in Midland we call 'a real nice heifer.' I don't know if Israel has weapons of mass destruction, but they'all sure do have one heck of a 'weapon of mass distraction!'" DECEMBER 16: With full backing from President Bush, Rosenblum embarks on a one-day whirlwind round of shuttle diplomacy she calls "Pnina's Euro-Vision Tour 2005 - Blonde On The Run." In the morning, after touching down in London, she emerges from a tete-a-tete with Tony Blair at 10 Downing Street; the prime minister's first comment to reporters is: "Cherie who?" In Paris that afternoon, after consulting with Rosenblum, President Jacques Chirac declares "Vive la Pnina!" Later that evening, after Russian Premier Vladimir Putin huddles in the Kremlin with Pnina, the "Quartet" - the US, UN, Russia, and EU - jointly declare that the "Middle East Road Map" will be replaced by "The Pnina Plan for a Peaceful - and Much More Attractive - Middle East." DECEMBER 17: Returning to Israel, Rosenblum heads up to Ramallah to broker a peace deal with Palestinian Authority Chairman Mahmoud Abbas. After a tense introduction at the Mukata, Rosenblum and Abbas head into the Yasser Arafat Memorial Suite for a one-on-one negotiation. An hour later, Abbas emerges and says: "Jerusalem - the Right of Return - Hanan Ashrawi - I'm ready to concede them all for Pnina!" After a hastily prepared ceremony to sign a final-status peace deal between Israel and the new Palestinian state, Rosenblum and Abbas return to the Arafat Suite to iron out the details of the agreement. DECEMBER 18: As news of the Israeli-Palestinian peace deal inflames the Arab world, Rosenblum is smuggled into Damascus by posing as the new Mary Kay cosmetics agent for Syria. Brought in to meet President Bashar Assad, she advises him on how his weak chin can be made less noticeable through a smart application of the Pnina Rosenblum Face Foundation for Men. A grateful Assad agrees in turn to support the Israeli-Palestinian agreement, and to lease the Golan Heights to Israel for 499 years, provided Pnina meets him for a yearly summit on the slopes of the Mount Hermon Ski Resort. Later that day Rosenblum flies with Assad to Teheran to meet with Iran's Supreme Spiritual Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. "Allah be praised, I thought you had to be a Shahid in Heaven to meet a woman like this!" Khamenei declares, shortly before joining with Rosenblum to sign an Iran-Israel peace treaty. That night she heads to Riyadh, where Saudi King Abdullah agrees to full recognition of Israel, provided Pnina considers an offer to become his 27th wife. DECEMBER 19: Returning to Israel, Rosenblum finds the country in the throes of a deep domestic political crisis over the "Who is a Jew?" controversy. After consulting with Sephardi spiritual leader Rabbi Ovadia Yosef and Ashkenazi religious authority Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv, and advising both on how Pnina Rosenblum Conditioner for Men would reduce split ends in their beards and make them look a lot shinier and neater, a compromise is hammered out. DECEMBER 20: The next morning, Rosenblum flies to Rome, heads for the Vatican, and meets Pope Benedict XVI. After emerging later that day from consultations with Pnina in the private papal chambers, the pontiff declares he will call a new "Vatican III" conclave to "reassess the traditional Catholic position on Jewish sovereignty of the Holy Land… and the traditional Catholic position on priestly and papal celibacy." DECEMBER 21: Returning to Israel, Rosenblum is greeted by a crowd of hundreds of thousands of grateful Israelis, chanting "Pni-na, malkat Yisrael, hai, hai, vekayam!" As she enters the Knesset for its closing session, all of her 119 fellow Knesset members rise in a standing ovation. From the Knesset podium, Ariel Sharon announces that all of them are prepared to dissolve their current political parties, join the "Kadima with Pnina" list, and support her unanimously not only as Israel's next prime minister, but also its next president, chief justice of the Supreme Court, chief of IDF General Staff, chief rabbi, and Israel's representative in the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. An overwhelmed Rosenblum, tears streaking her Pnina Rosenblum Black Mascara For Fair-Skinned Women, thanks the nation, but announces her retirement from politics. "Although I've enjoyed my career as a Knesset member, I must now spend some quality time with my family, my lovely children and my current husband. But I hope my story will serve as an inspiration to the generations of Israeli women who come after me: How a poor little girl from Petah Tikva who pulled herself up by her stockings, proved that with little moxie, a lot of hair dye, a great pair of legs and a shameless sense of self-promotion, anything is possible in Israeli politics!"

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