Nuclear Negroes

Black people in Iran, Israel would face first blows if countries strike each other.

By AARON FREEMAN

APRIL 17, 2012 15:00

nuclear negro cartoon 521 (photo credit: Avi Katz) — nuclear negro cartoon 521

(photo credit: Avi Katz)

The ancient joke headline goes, “World ends; women, minorities hardest hit.” But if Israel attacks Iran’s nuclear facilities, the black people of both countries will be the first to glow.

If you head south in Chicago, the US, Israel, or Iran you’ll find black people. Southern Israel’s black people, the Hebrew Israelites, came largely from Chicago’s storied Cabrini-Green housing project in the late 1960s. Their leader, Ben Ammi Ben-Israel, had a revelation that since the Torah was given to freed African slaves, American Negroes were by definition landsmen.

Ben-Israel led a group of pilgrims into the much too promised land in 1970. Once in the country, the Hebrew Israelites basically refused to leave, proving that they really were Jews. After years of storm and stress, the Israeli government settled the Heeb Izzies on an abandoned military base near the southern desert town of Dimona.

If Iran’s Revolutionary Guard cop a bad attitude about a massive Israeli air raid on their country they’d probably aim a few of their 300-500 Shihab 3 missiles some kilometers south of Dimona at the Negev Nuclear Research Center. But along with destroying the Middle East’s only assumed nuke weapons plant, Iranian retaliation would threaten 3,000 of the world’s most fascinating Jews, who are also Negroes.

Iran’s main nuclear power plant on the Persian Gulf coast is close to the city of Bushehr, a center of Afro-Iranian life. Southern Persian blacks, descendants of slaves and sailors, are a fabulous quilt of cultures. Their traditions range from, the Ahl-i-Hava, “People of the Air,” whose religion is a hybrid of 16th century Islam and 10th century African wind worship, to homeboys and girlfriends dancing ecstatically to the Afro-Persian pop mix-up known as Bandari music.

An Israeli attack on the Bushehr plant would threaten not just the ecology of the Persian Gulf waters whence it rests but the very future of Farsi Funk. How Negroes and the nukes came to be Middle Eastern kissing cousins is for another essay but the simple fact is that an Israeli attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities – and vice versa – could considerably whitewash a region that is already in my view melanin deprived.

On the other hand, the bombing of the Dimona and Bushehr nuclear facilities could turn out wonderfully. Both are about 12 kilometers from their respective black populations. So the colored people might not be killed in a fireball but instead the ensuing radiation might turn them, comic book style, into Superheroes.

Imagine the scenes inside the two cities: Bathed in electromagnetic radiation from the destroyed plants, the kinky hair of the Negroes acts as antennae to channel the nuclear energy waves to a crucial area of their subtly but importantly different African brains, their broad, flat Negro noses deflect other bands of energy to the perfect angle to trigger instantaneous and astonishing mutations.

Israeli and Iranian nuclear Negroes could grow in size to heights of 40, 50 feet.

They’d have super powers like the ability to sing and be heard by whomever they wanted anywhere on earth, to themselves hear the hearts of all other human beings and dance with such intensity that tectonic plates moved. Imagine thousands of gigantic, intensely religious Jewish Negroes roaming the Israeli countryside demanding justice for Israeli Ethiopians.

They’d be the real Avengers. To them the Israel Defense Forces would be puny humans. The Mega-Darkies, some of whom could fly, would buff their nails with Merkava tanks, use the Golani Brigade as kitchen help and pick their teeth with Arrow missiles.

I agree with the military and intelligence grownups who call an Israeli attack on Iran insane. But once you accept that and move your thoughts beyond sanity, virtually all things are possible.

Israeli politicians tell us that attacking Iran will be easy, fast, resulting in few casualties and engender only limited Iranian retaliation.

Compared to that, giant, flying, nuclear Negroes is science.