Baby Talk: The world according to us

Ima said she's having a "systemic breakdown," so we're surprising her and writing her column for her.

baby talk 88 amanda (photo credit: )
baby talk 88 amanda
(photo credit: )
Ima said she's having a "systemic breakdown," so we're surprising her and writing her column for her. It started last week when we decided we weren't seeing her enough, had a meeting, and decided that Kinneret and Yaron should wake up on the hour, and I'll get up once in a while, to keep her on her toes. Just before dawn this morning she said she's "throwing in the towel," and if we wake up one more time, she's the one who'll start crying. So we decided to let her sleep in, though she didn't seem to happy when I went to wake her up an hour later than usual. She jumped out of bed and said that we're really late and how could this happen on Wednesdaya deadline day, of all days, when she needs to send the magazine to the printer, and oh no, oh no, we'd better hurry and get you dressed Ya'ir. I told her I was hungry and wanted to eat. She rushed me into the kitchen and opened up my favorite mixed berries yogurt for me and said, oh no, oh no, Abba will take me to Etti and Raffi's and she'll jump on a bus. I was sad. I wanted to ride a bus too. Why does Ima get to have all the fun? I'm a big boy now. Abba told me that I'm two and a half this week, and though I can't figure out how many fingers to hold up for that one, I know it's more than I was before. I help Ima and Abba take care of the babies. Kinneret likes to pull my hair when I put my head on her belly and Yaron laughs at everything I do. They're my friends. Except now that Yaron has started to crawl, he's kinda getting in my way. He likes to mess up my stuff and eat my crayons. Ima gets excitedstarts jumping up and down when she sees him drooling different colors and tells me to put my colors in the box on the table right now or I'll be sent to "onesh" where I have to stay in Ima and Abba's room for two minutes until I figure out what I've done wrong. I don't always know, but Ima helps me remember. "Do you know why you're here, Ya'ir?" she asks. I nod my head. "Why?" she asks. I turn the question back on her. "Why?" I say, looking at her innocently. "Because you didn't listen to Ima, right?" she answers, looking cross. "Are you going to do what Ima says?" she continues, looking at me closely. I know this is the pivotal question that will either spring me from this joint, or keep me in for another two minutes. I must answer correctly. "No," I say solemnly, hoping for the best. "No!" she says, looking like her eyes will pop out of her head. Wrong answer. "I have to go see what the babies are doing, and when I come back, I'll ask you again." No matter, I don't mind. Sometimes it's nice to have a quiet moment alone. I LIKE being the only girl. Unlike Yaron, I get a lot of new clothes. Grandma bought me some cute dresses and when Ima puts them on me and we go out, people are always looking at me, me, me. They like to make funny faces at me, but I won't smile, I like to keep people on their toes. " What a miser," the neighbor says to me after trying everything in his repertoire to make me smile. "What's so funny about a bald man talking like a chipmunk and sticking out his tongue," I want to ask him. Ok, I'll grant you that his dog is mildly amusing, especially when she licks me on my bald head looking for leftovers. But come on, there weren't any cameras nearby; I'm saving myself for the press. Ima says I'm a super model in training. She says that I already have the diet down patright word/phrase because I only like to eat rice cakes and cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese morning, noon and night. "If it's not cottage cheese, it's not food," that's what I say. Rice cakes are fun to eat too, because when they start getting soggy, you can use them to give yourself a facial. Their exfoliating prowess has left my skin baby-soft and fresh. Yaron, my favorite toy, is doing lots of new things lately. It makes it harder for me to pull on his ears and take his pacifier: I prefer to wait and have him come to me. He knows who's boss. Ya'ir is my best friend. I am a little jealous of his golden locks, but when I try to take them, he starts to cry. Soon, these too will be mine. ABBA WORRIES that I was switched at birth. He says, "How can I have such a calm, happy baby like Yaron?" It's true that I don't look like Kinneret or Ya'ir (and definitely don't scream like Kinneret), but I just like to take things in stride and see what's going to happen next. "Life's too short," is my motto. I mean, come on, I've only been around for nine months and so much has changed already: I can eat lots of new things and crawl and this week I found out that I can sit. All of a sudden I can take things back from Kinneret and crawl over her to get away. It's great! When Ima, Abba and Ya'iri leave every morning, I get to spend time with my girlfriend, Yael, who hangs out with us during the day. Kinneret likes to give her a hard time, but Yael's cool, she wears skirts and dances around for us, making the skirts flutter in our faces. That gets me every time. I noticed that when I smile and laugh, people smile and laugh back at me. Ima says that I am a little blond ray of sun. I say, it's all relative. The writer is a over-tired, under-slept mother of three-in-diapers.