Questioning your quest for love

Whatever your reasoning is for dating, it is written across your forehead in plain English, whether you like it or not.

By TAMAR CASPI SHNALL
Questioning your quest for love (photo credit: courtesy)
Questioning your quest for love
(photo credit: courtesy)
While you’re out there searching for your special someone, remind yourself why you want to be one half of a couple. This is not a question you can answer on the spot, it’s one you need to take the time to do some introspection for. What is your motivation for wanting to get married, and is it authentic?
Whatever your reasoning is for dating, it is written across your forehead in plain English, whether you like it or not. If you’re constantly wondering why perfectly eligible singles aren’t jibing with you, then maybe your purpose in dating isn’t genuine and you’re putting out the wrong vibe. Do you want to share your life with someone, grow old with the same someone and start a family with the same someone?
Or are you just sick of being the fifth wheel, sick of sitting at the singles’ tables and sick of going home to an empty house? Or do you just want to have a baby and are looking for the best donor to mate with? Figure it out, because you’re going to get whatever it is you put out there.
My girlfriend Julie has been living with her parents for the past four years. She’s an attorney, so she definitely has the means to move out and even says she wants to. For the past year and a half she’s been working with a real-estate agent to find a place to buy, but there’s always an excuse.
I finally dug deep enough to get the answer out of her: she’s afraid the moment she buys something she’ll finally meet someone and then be stuck with a one-bedroom condo that she can’t sell.
She’s not totally off-kilter here. Buying somewhere to live definitely cements you to a spot and leaves little flexibility, but it isn’t a really good excuse when it comes right down to it. She obviously doesn’t tell guys the real reason why she hasn’t committed to a location, but they can definitely sense something odd there.
Since she really does want to meet her hubby, I told her to go ahead and buy that condo and let the magic do its work. It will mean six figures well spent, and if that means later renting out her place while she moves in with her new beau, it will be worth it.
My friend Marni was recently dumped by a man she was really into. After a few weeks of moping, we all dragged her out to a bar for drinks thinking it would help to get her out of the house, but instead it had the opposite effect. Since Marni wasn’t really in the mood to go out, her face read total disinterest and no guys hit on her.
She’s attractive and sexy and has a killer smile, but all the guys read from her sour expression that she was “closed off” and “ready to call it a night.” It’s good to go out with friends after a break-up, but it may be better to stick to casual dinners instead of pick-up bars until the sad friend is ready to put on a happy face. By not having any guys show interest in her, it drove her further into depression.
My other friend, Sara, nearing 40, is feeling the pressure of her clock ticking. She would love to get married, but when she looks at a guy all she does is appraise him as a sperm donor: Is he tall, does he have all his hair, are his features complementary to hers? So each man she meets is scanned head-to-toe and when given the chance, Sara asks random “family health history” questions. It’s like a reverse meatm a r k e t for her, e x c e p t s h e ’ s using a sperm bank questionnaire instead of JDate’s.
These women are looking to get married as a means to an end – that is, to have babies. When you’re not sure about the kind of person you’re looking for and you’re not sure why you’re even out there looking, the doubt and cynicism will be apparent. Women can usually tell when a guy is not done playing the field, when he is still looking to have fun and is not yet ready to look for a wife and settle down. On the flip side, men can also tell when a woman is either overly desperate or not really into them.
How men and women react in these situations is something else altogether. Some women may want to try and tame a player and some men like a desperate woman because they may think she’s easy. As for the kind of men who pursue women that they know aren’t into them? Well, we all know men like what they can’t have.
Don’t fall into these categories if you don’t want to attract these types of people. Make sure you know what your target is – a fun time, a serious relationship and so on – and emote that on your face and in your body language. We reap what we sow.