Guest column: The man who calls the shots

Just another day at the office for Ehud Olmert.

By TOM HOPE
Olmert worried 224.88 (photo credit: Ariel Jerozolimski )
Olmert worried 224.88
(photo credit: Ariel Jerozolimski )
Our leader, known as a level-headed, cool customer, is having a busy day at the office. By some inopportune turn of events, all the troubles plaguing him - and us - have cropped up at the same time. Seated by his desk, his red phone rings nonstop with matters of state, real estate and his own fate. What can a leader do? Sir, Condoleezza is on line 1. Line 1: "Ehud, we've had it with the procrastination. Stop fudging things up. We demand a clear statement on the West Bank now." "Listen, Condi, I've said it before, we..." Sir, your real-estate agent on line 2. Line 2: "Ehud, about the German Colony house, things are getting a bit tricky, and I kind of need a clear decision from you now." "Just a second, Yossi, I've got a call on hold." Line 1: "Ehud, don't put me on hold. Tell me now what you're going to do about the damn West Bank." "Condi, er, just a second..." Line 2: "Ehud, what about the house?" "Yossi, just wait a moment." Our leader is getting a bit confused. Line 1: "Ehud, what on earth is going on?!" "Listen, I'm selling it - for $500,000." A long pause on line 1. Line 1: "To who, Ehud, the Jordanians?" "Just a sec, Condi." Line 2: "Ehud, the buyer is starting to lose his patience." "Sometimes you have to make difficult and painful decisions. I'm pulling out. I'm withdrawing 100 percent, with slight border modifications." Sir, the Mossad chief on line 3. Line 3: "Ehud, finally we've got him. We've got Nasrallah in our sights. What should we do?" "Listen, Meir, I think that..." Sir, your lawyer on line 4. Line 4: "Ehud, Talansky's testimony, I think we're going to have some trouble. What should we do?" "Bump him off. Now." Line 4: "Well, that's slightly illegal, Ehud, we could get into some trouble..." "Hold on, Navot." Line 3: "Ehud, the target is on the move. I need to know..." "I think you should cross-examine him right now, real hard. Squeeze the testimony out of him." Sir, the Shin Bet chief on line 5. Line 5: "Ehud, the terrorist's house in east Jerusalem. What are we doing about it?" Sir, Condoleezza on line 1 again. Line 1: "Ehud, we want you in the White House. Tomorrow." "Raze it. We'll raze the damn house tomorrow!" Line 1: "Ehud, have you lost your mind?!" Line 5: "Ehud, we're under lots of pressure to blow it up." "We'll do whatever you like, but first I'll fly over there, and get a photo-op on the lawn with George, if you don't mind." Sir, the air force chief on line 6. Line 6: "Ehud, we have to do it now. The jets are about to leave. What are your orders?" Sir, your travel agent on line 7. Line 7: "Ehud, I've booked the flight to New York. I'm using the soldiers' welfare money. Any special requests?" "Arm the plane with two bunker-busting nukes, lock and load, and bomb the hell out of 'em!" Line 6: "Ehud, the engines are warmed up, we're all ready to go." "I'm ready to go, but make it first-class, and make sure you get Aliza a nice window seat."