In what is being perceived by many as yet another soft stance against the tyrannical regime that rules Iran, President Obama told reporters Tuesday that Israel need not worry over the entering of the Suez Canal by two Iranian Warships earlier in the day. The President downplayed the ships’ encroachments, casually stating, “I am sure they’re chasing an errant shuffleboard puck or something like that.” 

Shuffleboard, a popular game among senior citizens and commonly played on cruise ships, is a logical explanation for the Iranian’s Suez squatting, considering Iranian Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, will soon turn 72 and must hone his shuffleboarding skills as he enters his twilight years. Iranian sociologist Benam Gand explained that, “over at the Diamond in the Rough [Iran’s most elite retirement community] they don’t care if you were the Supreme Leader of the country, a backgammon master’s apprentice, or a simple Hookah coal salesman, all that matters is that you can glide to that 10-point triangle. It’s an open secret that the Iranian army has been conducting experiments, code named Project Love Boat, in efforts to discover the most effective shuffleboard tactics for its leader.” There have been rumors that the Iranians were enriching their shuffleboard pucks, officially known as biscuits, but thus far the UN has been unsuccessful in corroborating these rumors. When asked about the potentially tainted biscuits, American Vice President Joe Biden said he thought he had those once at a roadside diner in North Carolina and wandered away from reporters as his mouth began to water.

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President Obama, convinced his assessment will be proven correct, has begun to tout this incident as proof that his economic sanctions on Iran, seen by many as weak and ineffective, have in fact been very proficient. “If they are playing shuffleboard on that ship we clearly have crippled their economy. Where is the rock climbing wall? Where are the square-dance classes? What this means is that my sanctions have undoubtedly brought the Iranian economy to its knees.” 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in an attempt to discredit Obama’s claims said Iranian ships are as fun as ever before and directly rebutted the square-dancing claim by performing the “Cotton-Eye Joe” for the news cameras. 

Obama’s critics are quick to point out that this is not the first time the President has carelessly blamed crises that have occurred under his administration on the gaming industry. When the US economy crashed, Obama told congress that he believed, “the steep decline of confidence in the American dollar was most likely due to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s loss to his 12 year old nephew in Monopoly on family game night.” Similarly, He told reporters in 2010 that, “everyone knows that the new Arizona Immigration Law has nothing to do with boarder violence and drug cartels and everything to do with [Arizona Governor] Jan Brewer’s pathetic failure to smack and crack the piñata at John McCain’s birthday party.” 

When reporters asked Iranian Naval Commander Nathaniel Geeg if the movement of the ships into the canal were intended to provoke Israel he responded, “Your President is a very smart man. Why would I want to start a war with Israel today? We have the Winter Wonderland Rave taking place on the main deck tonight and I found the most amazing white tux. Plus I have a scuba diving lesson tomorrow morning followed by a hot stone massage. Who has the time to wage war with the Zionist infidels?” 

Although many view the ship''s invasion of the Suez as a menacing act, the Iranian nautical industry insists it is not concerned with the bad press. Ahmadinejad told reporters, “although this particular act may result in some negative public perception, the seas are certainly still a profitable frontier for the Iranian people. In fact, just last year we received unprecedented and unpredicted profits from one of our sub-companies, Mavi Marmara Pontoons Inc.”
 

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