JRoast Purim spoof: Trump taps Boren Kazan as running mate

“Oren is a wonderful guy. Great guy. Very smart. Yuuuuge brain. Normal-sized fingers,” Trump said, announcing Kazan as his running mate.

March 23, 2016 21:27
1 minute read.
Donald Trump

From Casinos to cabinet positions, Boren Kazan and Donald Trump at a press briefing. (photo credit: JROAST STAFF,REUTERS)

Could Likud MK and scandal- magnet Boren Kazan be the next Vice President of the United States? Leading Republican candidate Donald Trump seems to think so.

“Oren is a wonderful guy. Great guy. Very smart. Yuuuuge brain. Normal-sized fingers,” Trump said, announcing Kazan as his running mate.

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The short-fingered vulgarian contacted the Knesset’s resident vulgarian after the latter endorsed Trump in an interview with The Jerusalem Post earlier this month, supporting the candidate’s call to close America’s borders to Muslims.

The controversial Republican candidate for the presidential nomination expressed admiration for Kazan’s catchphrase “the Land of Israel for the People of Israel and not for Ishmael,” though he said he would stick to his current slogan, “make American great again.”

Asked how Trump reconciles appointing an Israeli running mate, who is not an American citizen, fits with his earlier comments about fellow Republican candidate Ted Cruz being born in Canada and his casting aspersions on US President Barack Obama’s birth in America, Trump responded: “Kazan isn’t Mexican or Muslim, like they are.”

As for how a right-wing Israeli could support someone who said he would be neutral in negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians, as Trump did, Kazan said: “But his daughter is Jewish!” “Also, he promised to hook me up with one of Ivanka’s friends,” the Likud MK, who said he was looking for an English-speaking girlfriend in his interview with the the Post, confessed.

Trump said he agreed with Kazan’s assessment that they both say what people think, honestly and without a filter.

The two also share a casino connection: Trump owns them and Kazan reportedly managed one in Bulgaria, though he worked in the hotel side of the operation.

Another thing Trump and Kazan have in common is litigiousness.

Kazan is suing the reporter who said he worked in a casino, providing crystal meth and prostitutes to its patrons, while Trump’s lawsuits are too myriad for the scope of this article, though sources in the campaign say its writer is next on the list.

At the end of the press conference, Trump turned to Kazan and said: “Get in the plane and go home.”

Editor’s note: Please don’t sue us, Mr. Trump. This is just a Purim shpiel. Ask Ivanka and Jared, they’ll explain it to you.

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