Purim Spoof: First Cat Knesset elections come off without a hitch

After years of feeling like deprived second-class citizens, cats went to the polls en masse Thursday to elect the country’s first all-feline parliament.

By CHETH KRANTZMAN
SEVERAL OF the prospective members of the Cat Knesset spend time learning Roberts Rules of Order. (photo credit: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM)
SEVERAL OF the prospective members of the Cat Knesset spend time learning Roberts Rules of Order.
(photo credit: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM)
The lines were around the block in Nahlaot as cats of all shapes and sizes, colors and backgrounds, lined up to vote.
Prof. Duncan Ben-Simon of the Mebrew University described the election as a momentous turning point in democracy.
“For years, it was clear there was a problem of lack of representation for such a huge population in Israel.”
Estimates vary, but there are thought to be at least 2 million cats in the country, according to the organization National Organization of Cat Lovers (NOCL).
“What we began to see is greater political mobilization by these wonderful creatures. It began, as all movements like this do, among the intellectual house cats, but it has now trickled down to a mass movement.”
Several cats interviewed expressed hope for a better future; “Meow meow meooow meow,” explained Furball.
The felines began queuing at around 5 a.m. Some had slept all night next to dumpsters, where they live anyway, to vote. Over 2,114 polling stations were operable across the country, from Metulla in the North to the smallest kibbutzim in the Negev. Major fights broke out in parts of Jerusalem and Tel Aviv, as some radical right-wing cativists sought to steal ballot boxes. The scarcely read daily Cataaretz described the events as a “pogrom.” One cativist, face covered by a bandana, claimed that they were merely protesting the exorbitant cost of tuna, which is thought to be controlled by catycoons.
“Meow, meow meow meow meow… meow meow [liars] meow meow meow... meow,” argued the ruffian, the catsuit- clad MishMish Cohen-Eckstein, before running off to get in a catfight and hissing contest.
Controversy had boiled to the brim as the election neared.
One of the most contentious issues was a bill to raise the threshold to enter the Cat Knesset to 4 percent. This means some cat parties would likely not make it into the new representative body; which would leave some sectors feeling discriminated against.
The left-wing Movement for Cat Rights and Peace (MCRP) was particularly outraged.
Party member Spotty explained that “meow meow meeoow meow meow.” The Democratic Front for the Liberation of Catistan (DFLC) was also beside itself, threatening to boycott the poll entirely.
“Meow meow meow purr meow meow meow!” explained party chairman Scar to supporters on election eve.
However, onlookers were distracted when a man threw a half-eaten salad into the trash nearby.