THE JERUSALEM ROAST EXCLUSIVE: The Iranian space and nuclear weapons programs have hit opposition from a new, unexpected source. Animal rights activists around the world have united in the common cause to stop Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s regime launching any more primates into space.

“Clearly the Iranians don’t give a monkey’s butt for animal welfare,” said Mickey Katz, a spokeswoman for FETA (Fanatics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). “It’s one thing when they threaten the ‘Zionist dogs’ all the time – without taking into consideration the feelings of canines anywhere in the world – and it’s another thing completely when they start launching primates into the atmosphere.”

Asked about the possibility that the photographs of the Iranian monkey turned astronaut were fake, Katz answered: “We noticed the signs of monkey business in the photos with a great deal of concern. It’s possible they are just aping the Americans and other capitalist pigs but we are worried that they did launch a monkey and it didn’t survive.

“Incidentally,” he added, “we’d like to remind people that making a wish on a dead monkey’s paw is dangerous. You should always be careful what you wish for.”

A member of another animal rights organization was also adamant that no good could come out of the Iranian space program.

“We cannot accept the abuse of primates and other animals in this manner,” said the member who asked to remain anonymous. “We think the only time this would be acceptable is if Ahmadinejad himself were launched into the great unknown, along with the gorillas who guard him.”

No response from the Iranians was available by press time.

Repeated phone calls were met with sounds like “Ah-ah-ah, oohooh- ooh.”

Happy Purim from The Jerusalem Post! 

Please LIKE our Facebook page - it makes us stronger