Dating Games: Looking for love – online? – in the Holy Land

When I was in my 20s I thought I was too good for JDate and online dating of any kind, but once I hit the ripe old age of 25, I succumbed to the pressure.

By TAMAR CASPI
Jdate cartoon (photo credit: Pepe Feinberg)
Jdate cartoon
(photo credit: Pepe Feinberg)
Sitting at a dinner party, word got around that I write about dating, and suddenly all of the hostess’s girlfriends wanted advice from the “Jewish Carrie Bradshaw.” Flattered, I felt an obligation to try and help these single women who ranged in age from 25 to 29. As an “older” woman (in my early 30s, they probably considered me ancient) I had an obligation to impart some wisdom one-on-one.
Everyone at the table was an Anglo living in Israel, who thought that all it would take was moving to Israel to meet a nice Jewish boy. The women surrounding me made aliya for different reasons: some were born in Israel and felt a desire to return to their roots, some came for graduate studies, and others were looking for purpose in life. All felt that joining JDate, or any other Jewish dating website, while living in Israel seemed ironic at first – but while most eventually acquiesced, one girl was still wavering.
Danielle is a pretty, outgoing master’s student in her mid-20s who asked me how to meet a good Jewish man. I immediately responded with a question: “Are you on JDate?” Her reply: a guttural sound emanating from her throat while her face distorted into a look of disgust, her jaw tensing. When she finally recovered from her bout with revulsion, she said simply: “Ew.” And I could tell she was starting to doubt her opinion of me as the cool, older-sister type.
As for me, I couldn’t help but laugh, especially once I remembered being in my mid-20s and thinking how absurd it sounded to have to resort to Internet dating to find a boyfriend – and I wasn’t even living in Israel at the time! Back then I also thought I was too good for JDate and online dating of any kind, but once I hit the ripe old age of 25, I succumbed to the pressure. I signed up for a JDate membership (with my Mom’s credit card, of course) and ate humble pie. After years of thumbing my nose at the idea, I found dozens upon dozens of totally eligible bachelors – some I knew, some I didn’t – and was happily surprised to know I was in good (and goodlooking) company. I actually found myself enjoying scanning the thousands of Jewish men displayed on my computer screen.
I told Danielle that I too had preconceived notions about JDate and online dating in general, and was surprised to find good-looking guys on there and in turn wondered why they have to resort to Internet dating. Then I realized I too was on there, so why shouldn’t they be? JDate was not just for losers, not just for rejects, not just for socially awkward dorks who couldn’t say “hello” without stammering, not just for Jews who live outside Israel. I told her JDate is a place where all Jews go to look for their soul mate: Jews who don’t even go to Jewish events, Jews who may not even identify as Jewish otherwise, even non-Jews!
I explained that her odds of finding dates on JDate and other Jewish dating websites would be even better than going to all the parties in Tel Aviv combined, because the men on JDate are more likely to be on there in order to meet their future wives. Not only that, but Danielle could vet the prospects from the safety of her computer screen, rather than wonder if someone is being a player or being honest. By signing up for JDate or Frumster or SawYouAtSinai, there would be hundreds of thousands of single Jewish men from around the world literally at her fingertips. She could narrow them down at her behest, whether by area, age or her current heart’s desire.
As the conversation continued, most of the other people at the dinner party – guys and gals alike – all proudly stated that they were on JDate. Danielle quickly became the odd woman out and almost became defensive at everyone else’s passion for online dating, and their combined horror at her JDate disgust. By the end of the evening she discovered that JDate is not the place where desperate people go but rather that it’s okay, even cool, to say you’re on JDate. I think she even became excited at the idea of signing up.
After discussing the necessity and benefits of signing up for online dating for a couple of hours, we said our goodbyes. I hadn’t even had the opportunity to advise Danielle on how to set up her online dating account and how to use the tool to her advantage. I didn’t get to discuss first date tips or answer relationship questions, but I did get through to her. I left the dinner feeling like I had increased the chances of someone finding Jew-on-Jew love.