Eva’s life lessons

Dating is an important part of life, but so is working on relationships with your family and friends, your career, your hobbies and of course, being a good human being.

By EVA
Dating Games Cartoon 521 (photo credit: Tamar Capsi Shnall)
Dating Games Cartoon 521
(photo credit: Tamar Capsi Shnall)
Allow me to introduce myself: I’m Eva, an Anglo immigrant who made aliya from the US to Jerusalem in 2008. I’m also single, having been doggedly searching for Mr. Right for 13 years now, since the age of 20. (Oops! Now you can figure out my age.) Having spent a lot of time dating in both America and Israel (with tiny bits of Europe thrown in – I did vacation there), I will be covering the topic in these pages, sometimes in the form of anecdotes or traditional columns, other times offering advice on your most pressing dating dilemmas. I do not pretend to know everything, but having gone out with all sorts of people and heard all kinds of stories, made some mistakes – some big, some negligible – learned from them and matured substantially along the way, hopefully I can offer some helpful and comforting words.
(I should note that I’m modern Orthodox and, with my day-school background, have a good grasp of Halacha. While I don’t always follow it, I often find myself agreeing with the tenets it represents, and that will inform my columns and responses – though I will take into account any religious affiliation specified by the person seeking advice.) Let’s get started, shall we? I THOUGHT about opening this column in traditional “Dear Abby” question-and-answer format, but instead I’ll start this odyssey by sharing some personal wisdom I have acquired during my travails. I present you with some of Eva’s Life Lessons: 1. Live by the Golden Rule. When you’re overwhelmed by the “ickiness” of a suitor, it’s normal to be overcome by a desire to avoid them at all costs. But think of how awful it feels when someone you have invested time in getting to like you, and want nothing more than to hear from, is ignoring you.
Take the time to get back to the person. Return their phone call – don’t just email or text – and reject mindfully and kindly.
2. There is no such thing as platonic friendship. My dear father is fond of two homespun axioms: (a) “Men love long hair” (which I have found to be true – Rapunzel it is); and (b) “There is no such thing as platonic friendship.”
Ain’t that the truth! One side of the equation always has some sort of feelings for the other – whether it’s just a passing thought that has entered their head (“She sure smells delicious”) or a full-blown crush. Married, single – it doesn’t matter. If someone is hanging around you, there’s a reason they want to be near you.
3. Romances that start off “hot and heavy” usually fizzle out. There’s nothing more exciting than meeting someone you’re wildly attracted to. It’s easy to take the leap from there to imagining this person is “it,” investing every single one of their actions with meaning and expressing that through physicality without borders.
But keep in mind that it takes a long time to truly get to know a person, and the best way to do so is not just to smooch by firelight, but to talk to them and see them in different situations. Rather than immediately giving yourself over to that person, proceed with caution. Be happy that you met someone with potential and work on keeping that alive, by maintaining some mystery and not getting physical too fast.
4. People who complain that they want to be serious yet aren’t taken that way usually have issues. Actions speak louder than words. People who want to be serious don’t waste time complaining to others they just met, who are potential partners, about the past times others didn’t treat them properly – which might put them in a bad light. They work hard at making a good impression by doing – asking relevant questions that will allow them to get to know you, and planning good dates.
If a guy spends a lot of time complaining that women don’t take him seriously, rather than focusing on the woman in front of him, cast a critical eye on him and try to figure out why.
5. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors, so don’t be jealous of others. When things aren’t going your way, it’s tempting to look around and wish you had what others do. But you have no idea what other people’s relationships and journeys are all about – and you aren’t there 24/7 to see what’s really going on. The old adage is correct: Given the choice to take other people’s struggles vs. your own, you would choose your own familiar tzuris (troubles).
Remember: 6. Everyone in their own time. There is a special order to the universe, and the Man Upstairs has a plan for you. Dating is an important part of life, but so is working on relationships with your family and friends, your career, your hobbies (eating!) and of course, being a good human being.
Focus inward and work on yourself. My dear sister always gave me this advice, and I was skeptical: “Sure, the right person will turn up when you’re least looking for them – blah, blah, blah.” But she followed it after breaking up with her boyfriend of two years, deciding to not panic but just to go about her business – and met her husband at a party shortly thereafter.
Be grateful for the qualities and the particular gifts you have been given, and make the most of them. On that note: 7. You are a special snowflake. Work on improving the things that are truly shtick and will make you unattractive to a future partner, but don’t apologize for the things that may seem weird to an outsider yet make you your wonderful self. Take pride in your unusual hobbies, your unconventional views – and the right person will, too.Eva welcomes your questions about your most pressing dating dilemmas, as well as your feedback. Contact her at dearevajpost@gmail.com. Please include your age and location; all other identifying information will be kept confidential.