Essay: 'Dear Friend, I honorably seek your assistance...',

By HILLEL HALKIN
What is it about me that inspires all these lucrative financial offers? I have a problem I wish to share with you. Recently, a large number of people have made lucrative financial offers to me by e-mail. I don't know why they have all turned to me; I can only say that there seems to be something about me that inspires confidence. And to tell the truth, I do pride myself on my honesty in my dealings with others. Yet although I would certainly like to make some money, and have answered every one of these communications, nothing seems to work out in the end. Can I be doing something wrong? Hoping to get some helpful tips from you, I am printing several of these e-mails with my replies to them. Dear Friend, My name is Alex Carson. I am an American soldier, serving in the military with the 3rd Armored Division in Iraq. I and my superior moved fund belonging to Saddam Hussein, the total is $25,000,000. We have decided to look for someone to help us keep this funds, this is why I have contacted you, so you can keep it for us in your safe account or an offshore account. We will divide the total funds in three ways, since we are three involved in this. You will take 30%, and 30% will be for me, and my superior will take 30%. 10% will be kept aside for expenses. Can i trust you? Respectfully submitted, Sgt. Alex Carson Dear Sergeant Carson, Of course you can trust me. But can either of us trust Saddam Hussein? He is, after all, still alive and known for his violent temper. How are things in Iraq? I would be happy to receive a first-hand report from you, since I also never know when to trust the newspapers. Sincerely, Hillel Halkin *** Hello, My name is Mrs. Susan Morrison, a business woman in London. I have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer, which was discovered very late due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defied all forms of medication right now and I have only a few hours left to live, according to medical experts. I once asked my family members to close one of my accounts and distribute the funds which I have there to Charity Organsation; they refused and kept the money to themselves. I want to know if you can be of good help to dispatch these funds. I have set aside 20% of the total amount of $1,500,000 for carrying out this duties. This means you will keep $300,000 for yourself. May God be with you, Susan Morrison Dear Ms. Morrison, I was distressed to hear of your condition. Surely, though, a few hours is not enough time in which to make the arrangements you propose. Have you thought of alternative medicine? Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Hillel Halkin *** Hello Friend, I am Mrs. Sursla Williams. I am married to Dr. Lucky Williams. Before his death we were born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home, which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 6 million U.S. dollars with one Security Company in Cote D'Ivoire. Presently, this money is still with the company in a trunk box. I want to use this to fund churches, orphanages, and widows propagating the word of God. As soon as I receive your reply, I will issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband's relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be used in an ungodly manner. Peace be with you, Sursla Williams Dear Mrs. Williams, Thank you for your letter. As much as I would like to be of help, I'm sorry to inform you that I am not a Christian either. I belong to the Jewish faith, which interprets the biblical position on second marriages differently and I would urge you to reconsider your opposition to them. Yours truly, Hillel Halkin *** Dear Friend, Though I don't know you, I believe the spirit of my father still leaves with me. Also, I know he is aware that I am contacting you for an assistance based on trust. My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant based in Lagos, the economic capital of Nigeria. Before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of his business outing, he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of US $5,500,000 deposited in a bank. Due to his encounter with his associates and relatives which lead to his death, he instructed me to seek for a foreign friend who will aid me in the transfer of the money for my education, investment, and live a good life. I am honourably seeking your assistance to assist me in coming over to your country to further my education. Moreover I am willing to offer you 20% for your effort. Please reply promptly, Miss Hope Obi Dear Miss Obi, I am terribly sorry about your father. However, the government of Israel, which is my country, is quite strict about not granting visas to the citizens of your country unless they have at least one Jewish grandparent. I suggest you contact someone in Canada or Australia, where your chances of admission would be better. Good luck, Hillel Halkin *** Kind Attn Mr. Hillel Halkin, I am the manager of Bill and Exchange at the foreign remittance of Bank Diamant International. In the cause of my duty, I am in possession of two boxes of genuine bank notes of American dollars. The problem with this bills is that they are SECURITY CODED, that means it is not legal tender. We have to be honest with you, we do not know the cost of cleaning off the CODE and treating of the bills, but in our profession as bankers, we know that the chemical solutions can be obtained either in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, or in Geneva, Switzerland. Me and my partners are seriously looking for someone to take delivery of this fund into account. Think of what you can do with 45% of 5 million USD. Every loop holes has been blocked, so there is nothing to be afraid of. We are in total control and perfect of things. Thanks and best regards, Koffi Miessan Dear Mr. Miessan, There is indeed much I could do with all that money, but my wife is highly allergic to chemical substances. Might not a simple stain remover do the job? Wishing you every success, Hillel Halkin *** As I say, any thoughts on your part would be appreciated.