I meet with an amazing group of three other women – we call ourselves the “Get Moving Girls.” Suffice it to say that we recently changed our picture of an empty plate of chocolate soufflé and four spoons to a picture of ourselves with huge smiles.
Coming from different countries and backgrounds, we make time to meet because what truly unites us is our deep friendship and caring for one another through fun times and in sorrow. What we do best is to laugh at life, and we seem to have no shortage of opportunities despite the craziness during these times. We recognize that sleeping, eating, and life in general now are challenging for everyone.
One woman recently sent a meme to our group which read: “Friends and medicines play the same role in our lives. Both take care of us in pain, but the only difference is friendship does not have an expiration date.” It resonated with us, as for years we have made our group get-togethers sacrosanct.
Friendship is not a given. Over the years, first with COVID and then with our lengthy war, we have gained greater appreciation of the need to stay connected to others. With our very busy lives and no shortage of distractions, this investment of time has become even more important. With technology designed to make our lives easier, it has somehow reduced our leisure time.
Email and WhatsApp alone have taken time away from direct contact with others, blurred boundaries, and brought our offices into our homes. Text and voice messages do not take the place of a face-to-face visit or phone call.
My first psychology class in university involved 90 very long minutes observing video footage of wolves in the wild. Contemplating a quick switch out of this course, I soon discovered that, with time and attention, observing my own responses and those of others helped me gain a better understanding of human behavior. Surprisingly, this became one of the most important courses I took.
From wolves, I went on to study human behavior, but my real love was infancy. These were exciting times because, for years, people thought that infants did little but eat, sleep, and poop. They were so wrong, and the study of infant development became a recognized area of study.
Recently, cradling my three-month-old granddaughter in the crook of my left arm while holding her bottle in my right hand, I was aware that unless I opted to prop her bottle to talk on the phone, she could have my undivided attention. It was a real gift to be able to focus entirely on her and just “be” together.
Wrapping her hand around my pinkie finger, I was positioned at the perfect focal length for her to make eye contact. Gazing into my eyes, once her initial hunger abated, she stopped drinking to initiate conversation. She clearly had much she wanted to tell me. Her rhythmic vocalizations, complete with pausing as if to hear my response, provided a back-and-forth exchange that went on for several minutes. She had my full attention, and I clearly had hers.
She set the tone in this magical, well-choreographed dance. So intense, it was very much a reminder to me of just how important for her this early socialization is – not just for language development but for gaining a deeper understanding of her world around her.
Today, I can’t help but wonder what happens when these and other moments are missed.
Fortunately, we are often presented with multiple opportunities over time.
An infant is programmed with a cry that demands attention from an adult. But what about the four-year-old, the eight-year-old, the teenager, or the parent feeding a baby who has found himself or herself with a substitute – the screen?
Try to make time for those we care about
It is virtually impossible to fully monitor and be aware of all that children are exposed to, but we can limit the use of screens, control the time and place, and try effectively to make our time with those we love much better. This topic is so important, especially now when children and parents have both been homebound and under great stress.
Imagine a young child excitedly approaching her mom in the kitchen. Mom is focused on her cooking, as well as texting. The child begins to tell a story, and Mom responds with “uh huh” or “umm” at the appropriate times, not really having processed what was just said. Haven’t we all been there – repeating what we just heard verbatim while not at all focused on the conversation? While Mom can often get away with it, an astute child might say, “Ima, are you listening to me?” Sometimes the child will walk away in sadness. It is a rare child who will say, “But I need you to listen to me with your eyes.” I need your presence. “Pay attention to me.”
We, too, can’t help but notice the family at a restaurant who are all on their phones. Children in Israel carry their own cellphones at a much younger age than in most other countries. While in part this is because of safety concerns, our children for many reasons have more freedom at an earlier age.
What are the rules at home and at school regarding phone usage and other screens? Do these rules apply to the parents as well? As a psychologist, I deeply fear the dangers that lie ahead for children, their families, and society at large. What is the long-term effect on relationships, when important opportunities for socialization and connection might be missed?
When you are looking at your phone, you’re likely to miss the smile, eye contact, and opportunity to bond. As parents and grandparents, we must become involved and push back before it is too late. After all that we have been through in these past several years, destroying our enemies and protecting our beloved country, we cannot afford to overlook our capacity and need for sustained connectedness and care for one another.
Finally, we must not forget our seniors, many of whom prefer to stay at home, where they feel safer. Isolation is a serious concern for one’s mental and physical well-being. When you call or visit, you let them know just how important they are in your life, and how much you value and appreciate them.
One Shabbat afternoon during COVID, a young neighbor arrived at our door with a tray of freshly cut watermelon. I thanked her profusely when she left, and I remarked to my husband that it was so sweet of her to do that. I never thought for a moment that there was any reason for it beyond being nice and reaching out because everyone was isolating, but he burst my bubble by announcing that he was certain that it was because she thought that we were old!
Whether young, old, or in between, we must all make sure to check in with one another. We cannot afford to overlook our capacity and need for sustained connectedness and care for one another.
Recently, when three younger members of our community reached out with a call “just to schmooze” and perhaps to even check to see how I was doing, I suddenly realized that just maybe my husband was right after all.
Wishing us all strength and good health as we weather the difficult days together.
The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana and co-author of the recently released book The Jewish Journey through Loss: From Death to Healing (Koren Publishers). She has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000. batyaludman@gmail.com; drbatyaludman.com