A missive to a potential, gone-forever Romeo reveals the split-second, disposable nature of the dating app.
By DANYA KAUFMANNUpdated: APRIL 13, 2016 18:59A couple on a date(photo credit: ING IMAGE/ASAP)
Dear Guy I Accidentally Left-Swiped on Tinder, The first thing that caught my attention about you was that bright blue star by your name that showed you had super-liked me.You super-liked, not just regular-liked me. So I would have even been spared that split second of wondering whether you liked me back; it would have been an obvious, immediate match made by the Tinder Gods in Tinder Heaven.All I had to do was drag my thumb from the left side of the screen to the right, showing I liked you as well. But in the heat of the moment, the lights glaring and all eyes on me, I fumbled, I tripped – I swiped you left.And you, my love, were gone forever.My thumb had gotten so used to swiping left – nope, nope, nope – that it couldn’t grasp the concept of going right. Everyone was just too young, too old, too cocky, too ugly, too much like my brother, my ex or myself.But you weren’t like them. Everything I got to know about you in the 14.5 seconds I spent scanning your photos – plus the fact that you superliked me and so were clearly very intelligent – pointed to the indisputable fact that you were the one.There was no six-pack picture, no holding- your-sister’s-baby picture, no party-in-Ibizawith- a-thousand-other-guys-so-I-won’t-knowwhich- one-you-are picture, no taking-a-bite-out-ofa- shark-while-doing-a-thumbs-up-for-the-camera picture, no drinking-whisky-on-a-tightrope-witha- poisonous-snake-wrapped-around-your-neck picture.Just pictures of you with a goofy smile, with various boring backgrounds, such as a sidewalk.You would have liked the Spice Girls and brownies and love, and everything I like! (Except for the Spice Girls. Who likes the Spice Girls?) And you would be big and strong and gentle and funny and serious and smart and edgy and rude and polite and brave and simple and a caveman and a Renaissance man and a friend and a lover. And you would think I was beautiful and tell me I was beautiful and I would be beautiful, because I am beautiful, but you would, you know, bring it out. And we would hold hands and kiss in public places.But we will never hold hands or look into each other’s eyes or do anything nausea-inducing at all, because you, mi amor, were swiped to the left. I sent you into the abyss, into the land of would-be-lovers and could-belovers and guys who got off the bus before we made eye-contact but oh, if we would have...I tossed you onto the ever-growing pile of bygones, along with the guy I dumped and whose heart I broke and whose life I ruined, until he got married a few months later, and the guy who remembered he was actually kind of still in love with his ex, and that barman who looked like Johnny Depp, for whom I sat by the bar just so I could ask with a sultry smile “What’s the WiFi code?” To which he answered, seductively, “One through eight.”I might find you again, my love, like I sometimes rediscover old socks, forgotten in the dryer for months. But for now I must be strong, move on and try to live my life without you.Or I could get Tinder premium and rewind my last swipe...But please, $4.58 for a guy I saw on Tinder?
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