Three Ladies, Three Lattes: Independent thinking

What should you do when your haredi son won’t celebrate Yom Ha’atzma’ut?

By THREE LADIES, THREE LATTES
Barbecuing on Independence Day in Jerusalem’s Sacher Park. (photo credit: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM/THE JERUSALEM POST)
Barbecuing on Independence Day in Jerusalem’s Sacher Park.
(photo credit: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM/THE JERUSALEM POST)
I would like to ask your advice: I am fourth-generation Israeli, and I remember dancing the hora in the streets when independence was declared. Over the years I became more religious, and my son eventually embraced an ultra-Orthodox, strictly haredi lifestyle. He changed his name, won’t stand for sirens on Holocaust Remembrance Day or Remembrance Day for the Fallen of Israel’s Wars, nor will he celebrate Independence Day; he even forbids his children to have a barbecue with me on that day. Obviously his children don’t do the army. Although I have come to accept most of what he teaches his kids, this is anathema to me and leads to us fighting every year. I’d love to come to some understanding on these issues with him. Any suggestions? – Frustrated mother
Tzippi Sha-ked:
Do you want to change your son’s ideological stance or foster tolerance? If the latter, here’s what I know from working on our book Three Ladies, Three Lattes: Percolating Discussions in the Holy Land (and it worked for Pam, Danit and me). The best way to build bridges between individuals, or groups with differing viewpoints, is to create opportunities where these individuals/groups collaborate on issues completely unrelated to the “problem” at hand. During this time of year, your question is a microcosm of a greater need permeating our country – how to bridge the ideological divide. I am mostly concerned about promoting trust, cooperation and engagement where there is dissension.
Frankly, your son is not wedded to your beliefs any more than you’re wedded to his. On a national scale, we are part of a family system that can be trying and exhausting, but it’s the only one we have. Are we ever going to see eye to eye? Probably not. Still, we can make it work by being mindful of one another’s sensitivities and treating each other as family. I propose highlighting our connection and monitoring our internal statements about the “other” in all personal and national discourse. The trick is to celebrate the other’s strengths and successes without focusing on hurt and vilification. On this Independence Day, celebrate by taking the grandkids to historical sites underscoring the connection between the nation of Israel and the Land of Israel.
Pam Peled:
In our talks we have found that this is a big humdinger of a question – there is zero tolerance for opposing positions.
We’ve had children of Holocaust survivors screaming at haredim, modern Orthodox and secular at loggerheads – it’s been more chaotic than the most undisciplined class in the country on the last lesson of the day during a sweltering heatwave. I myself have no patience for people who avoid the army – in my opinion haredi moms are brilliant: They’ve cracked the system of keeping their kids safe while others risk their lives to protect religious settlements.
Plus their boys get paid for sitting in yeshivot and not standing to attention during sirens. We’ve actually banned this discussion from our book events, as we cannot arrive at any consensus on the subject ever – sad, but true. I’m sorry to say I have no advice for you – I feel your pain. Short of trying to reason with your son, and with his kids when they are old enough – I’m not sure what you can do. Perhaps there should be national psychologists dealing with this issue, as it is surely tearing our country apart. Perhaps there should be a national-unity government that forces everyone to play an equal part in the duties of citizens, and maybe then the segments of society that don’t respect Israeli traditions will learn to stand during sirens. It’s gadol alai – too big for me – I stand irritated and helpless before this imbroglio that stems from cultist religion.
Danit Shemesh:
I was raised on the dream of Independence Day. My father kept newspapers declaring Israel’s independence.
My mother describes dancing in the streets on Independence Eve, singing “Am Yisrael Hai.” People of all ages and cultures held hands, uniting and actualizing kibbutz galuyot (“the ingathering of the exiles”). But have we truly reached ahva, fraternity, or was that moment merely circumstantial? Hashem decided it was right for us to come home (and He sent world leaders to facilitate this). History can be seen as a significant chain of events, but also as His-story. There is a big picture that includes all of us in this tiny country. We need to distinguish between the idea of Jews finally regrouping and rebuilding our land, and how we celebrate this idea. It’s clear that all sectors of society agree that the Land of Israel and the nation of Israel are inseparable.
The difference is how we mark this.
To stand in ovation is a ritual foreign to Jews. Haredim grieve the fallen soldiers no less than anyone else, but we grieve differently. We also have an issue with Independence Day festivities during the Omer period, a time of historic global mourning. Like your son, I’m a haredi splinter and so I suggest you accept his outlook with an open heart. He was raised to understand you; do you accept him unreservedly? You celebrate and mourn in your way, he in his. Trust me: He is sincere in his love for Israel.
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