The ‘Peres pill’ is a powerful drug invented by this country’s elder statesman
which induces hallucination and wishful thinking. It magically allows you to
imagine a “New Middle East” and assert that peace with Abbas is
This week, our august president, Shimon Peres, suddenly and
unexpectedly began to talk again about “the New Middle East” and the “peace
accord with the Palestinians that is within easy reach.”
Ah yes, the New
Middle East, that nirvana-like world dreamed up by imaginative minds. That
easily achievable peace with Abbas and Haniyeh. Dreamy indeed.
president, God bless him, must be back on the Peres pill. It’s a wonderful drug
– but be sure to read the fine print on the packaging label before taking this
prescription- only medication: Therapeutic activity: For the relief of dilemmas
in the peace process and uncertainties in relating to the Arab Middle
Induces hallucination and wishful thinking, allowing the patient to
ignore the hostile intentions of, and shrug off the threatening declarations of,
Allows the user to believe that peace is breaking out
Most effective on a fatigued, depressed populace, and/or a
public which has become extremely affluent and comfortable, and no longer has
the stamina for continued struggle.
Composition: Each capsule contains 10
mg of valium (a relaxant that clears the mind of outdated nationalistic fervor);
20 mg of amphetamine (stimulates feverish mental activity); 200 mg of LSD (aids
in hallucination); 700 mg of essence of sophisticated, intellectual French wine
(helps the mind ignore sobering Middle East realities).
This drug may
impair alertness and therefore caution should be exercised when engaging in
activities such as driving a car, operating heavy machinery or taking the helm
of state. Patient is likely to develop delusionary tendencies, and to say things
like “science is more important than territory,” or “a row of five-star hotels
on the Golan is a better guarantee of peace than a line of early warning
stations,” or “we will turn terrorists into tourists, and tomahawks into
Takers of this drug are prone to wild leaps of faith and to
projecting their good intentions onto the adversary (a malediction known as
transference). As such, they are liable to cavalierly and hastily forgo hard
national security assets without appropriate return or safeguards.
drug also has been known to activate frantic philanthropic activity aimed at
planting hi-tech wheat fields on the border with Gaza, the establishment of
joint biotechnology farms with Egypt, the building of industrial parks for
Mahmoud Abbas, and the twinning of towns such as, for example, Bir Zeit and Bnei
Brak. The drug-induced assumption here is that economic advancement will cause
its Arab beneficiaries to moderate or abandon their hostile and decades-old
goals of overpowering the Zionist enemy.
Those taking the Peres pill tend
to develop a fancy for all things and leaders European, and enjoy cavorting
around the continent garnering support from kings, princesses, Marxist novelists
and intellectuals, movie stars and socialist leaders who have lots of money to
throw at the Palestinians.
Users are partial to Norway, especially
Warnings: Do not take this medicine if your country has a waist
less than 50 km. wide. You may end up in the sea. Inform your doctor and consult
with your psychiatrist before use if you are sensitive to historic, national and
religious rights, the justness of history, or the logic of deterrence
Patients often develop aloofness to the common Israeli
man-in-the-street, who simply doesn’t understand the sublime and cultured
approach to peace engendered by the drug. Do not take before meals or three
weeks before election day.
Side effects: Adverse reactions may include
rapid land loss, loss of water resources, and withdrawal symptoms. Deafness –
especially to Palestinian anti- Semitism, hostile unilateralism, accusations of
war crimes and ethnic cleansing, and threats of violence – may develop. Consult
your doctor immediately if you experience blindness to Palestinian treaty
violations, Iranian nuclear programs, deteriorating security situations on the
Syrian and Egyptian fronts, and the like, or if you find yourself compulsively
excusing the other side’s gross failures and breezily overlooking its
In case of overdose, take a Netanyahu pill or
equivalent for four more years. Proceed immediately to an emergency bomb
Recommended dosage and directions for use: The long-term effects
of this medication have not been proven. Take at your own risk. Not recommended
for children, the faint-hearted or those involved in diplomatic negotiations.
Adults: One capsule only if necessary, chewed slowly and cautiously.
your guard up and army in ready state when under the influence of this
psychotropic drug. Do not swallow whole! Keep out of the hands of sitting prime
ministers and foreign ministers who need to secure the country.
author is director of public affairs at Bar-Ilan University’s Begin- Sadat
Center for Strategic Studies.