How men can make women happy

Bereshit, Saturday's Torah portion, provides timely advice for men and women seeking to attain harmony.

By ELLIOT KATZ
man woman 88 (photo credit: )
man woman 88
(photo credit: )
Are you a woman who is frustrated with today's men? Are you a man who tries hard to make women happy and can't understand why they aren't happy? For men confused by changing messages about their role, the story of Adam -the first man who was in a relationship - provides time-tested insight into what men today can do to make women happy. The story begins. Adam was alone. He wanted a wife. He asked God for a wife, and God created Eve to be an ezer kenegdo (Genesis 2:18), translated as a "helper against him." What is a "helper against him"? The commentary quotes the Talmud (Yevamos 63a), which says: "If the man is worthy, the woman will be his helper; if he is unworthy, she will be against him." This is a very important message. The man has to take responsibility. If he works on himself to become worthy in the woman's eyes, she will be his partner. If he doesn't, she will go against him. Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden. They have one commandment: Do not eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. What happens? Eve eats it, and then she offers it to Adam. A midrash - an explanation - says that first she tried to trick him by squeezing the fruit into juice, but he refused it. Then she started arguing with him, and he still said no. Then she screamed at him until he couldn't take it anymore, and he ate the fruit. Adam then hid among the bushes, and God asked him if he ate the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. What does Adam do? Does he take responsibility for his actions? No, Adam does just the opposite. He says, "The woman you sent me gave it to me, and I ate it" (Genesis 3:12). He gave in to something he knew was wrong and then he blamed his wife. Does this help him avoid responsibility? Does God say, "Adam, you were pushed into it. I will not hold you responsible for what happened"? Adam is punished not only for eating the fruit, but he is also punished for not using his judgement. The biggest complaint I hear from women is that men won't take responsibility for the relationship. If a man wants a woman to be his partner - his "helper" - he can become "worthy" in her eyes by taking more responsibility for the relationship. An unmarried women wrote the following about the ideas in Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: "I've met many wonderful men but could not marry them because I could not respect a man who does not take responsibility. The woman has to entrust her life to the man; and if she does not find him worthy, it will not be good - and that's putting it mildly." This article is based on the book Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man (Baker & Taylor), which is being translated into 14 languages in Asia, Europe, Latin America and Africa.