Sweeten your relationships!

This must-do list is invaluable advice for all couples.

By BATYA L. LUDMAN
Couple holding hands shadow 521 (photo credit: Marc Israel Sellem)
Couple holding hands shadow 521
(photo credit: Marc Israel Sellem)
Sabbatical has just ended for my husband – for all of us really.
This means that after seven-plus years, I have just had the opportunity to spend six full months with my husband. If you had asked me 32 years ago when we married if I would be living in Israel for 12 years and spending the last seven of them as part of a commuting team, I would have laughed.
Life is never dull in my house, and with our six months together, the wedding of our oldest, son No. 2 finishing the army, a teenage daughter, full days in the office, and a book publication, one can only say that even good stressors present us with lots of opportunity to work on our relationships with one another.
So with notebook in hand, as a diligent psychologist, I have set out to examine what made these past six months with hubby an absolute dream and not the total disaster they could have been. After all, while we had many years of living together day in and day out, as a “commuting family,” we have learned to see our relationship as time spent here versus there, through daily phone calls and lengthy e-mails. These bits of advice are for all couples – be they commuting or living together 24/7.
1. Good communication is the essence of a relationship. Share your experiences and talk about your dreams, concerns and everything in between. Listen to your partner and learn from him or her.
2. Be flexible. When you get up in the morning and make plans for the day, be prepared to accept that life doesn’t always go the way you think it should.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, just different from what you expect.
3. Live life one day at a time and one moment at a time if you must. Live it to the fullest. Enjoy every single day as if it is your only day, because none of us knows what tomorrow may bring.
4. Give each other space. Recognize your own and your partner’s idiosyncrasies.
We all like to have things happen our way and need time to be without our partner from time to time.
5. Find ways to be there for each other. Do nice little things for each other. A note, flowers, or even remembering to do something special for the other person are kind gestures that infuse the relationship with goodwill and meaning.
6. When a disagreement arises, look at the situation on a 10-point scale. If it is of major importance, assign it a 10; if of no importance, a 0. Ask your partner how he or she feels, note how you feel and then see where there is room for negotiation. Ask yourself if the issue will be important in three years. If not, let it go. It just isn’t worth fighting about.
7. Work together on the same team.
You win by playing together and avoiding competition. Catch yourself if you find yourself blaming your partner. It never helps.
8. Focus on the positive. Notice the nice things your partner does. Catch him or her doing good.
9. Recognize that in any relationship, there are times when all may be perfectly fine until someone says one teensy thing that makes you want to withdraw or lash out in anger or hurt. Remember, you can say anything. It is how you choose to say it that will inevitably determine how what you say gets heard.
10. Realize there are extenuating circumstances – family, friends, events that are beyond your control; work and life go on. Do the best you can do to reduce stress by being organized.
11. Make sure you make or find the time to be together as a couple and as a family with absolutely no outside interruptions.
This is essential to keeping the foundation strong.
So yes, sabbatical is over. Some projects got completed, and others, well, they’ll just have to wait for another time. Being with someone you love is emotionally fulfilling, and there is little better than that. Making the time to be together in a meaningful way is a gift you give yourself, your partner and your family.
The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana. Her book, Life’s Journey. Exploring Relationships Resolving Conflicts, has just been published. www.drbatyaludman.com
ludman@netvision.net.il