(photo credit: Courtesy)
Sometimes it seems we are intrinsically wired to be attracted to those who
aren’t really or readily available – emotionally, physically, financially or
spiritually. We want what we can’t have, a cliché that is unfortunately and
routinely true. Maybe it’s the chase that attracts us; maybe we aspire to be
with someone we consider above us; maybe we’re just gluttons for
Whatever the reason, it happens to everyone without fail at
some point in their lives, whether it’s a romance, a job, a house or an
When Julie met Jason at a networking event, she thought he was
cute and sweet – but her interest was piqued when she found out he had a
long-distance, longterm girlfriend. It should have turned her off and sent her
looking in another direction, but instead she hoped the distance would end their
And lo and behold, Jason broke up with said girlfriend and
pursued Julie. She was incredibly flattered and believed he was what she wanted.
She thought she had found her beshert.
Three months and dozens of
excruciating circumstances later, Julie understood why Jason’s previous
relationship had lasted so long: because the girl didn’t live near him! Jason
wanted to be with Julie all the time, and couldn’t understand why she would ever
want to be alone or hang out with her girlfriends, without him. Julie had
thought she wanted Jason – but she had been more attracted to his previous
unavailability than to Jason himself. Once he became accessible (not to mention
clingy), he wasn’t so attractive anymore.
She felt guilty about breaking
off with him since he had ended a long-term relationship to be with her, but
decided she had given it all she could and was starting to resent him.
was in a situation a few years ago where once I realized what I wanted, it was
After meeting Greg on JDate, I would receive regular calls from
him, accept dates with him weekly, or sometimes more often, and even got him to
accompany me to a wedding.
He was present but not overly involved, and
his slight aloofness kept me interested, although I admittedly let him do all
I liked him enough, but wasn’t ready to commit. I was new on
JDate and enjoying all the attention I was receiving.
But as soon as
Greg’s phone calls waned and plans stopped being made, I of course became more
interested, and started calling him. And that of course pushed him even further
away. He knew I had taken advantage of him, and had moved on.
wanted Greg more than ever, and he was nowhere to be found. (In fact, he married
the next girl he dated.) Had I realized what I had when it was mine to take, the
outcome might have been much different.
HERE’S THE phenomenon explained
in simple terms: If you give your phone number out to two people in one night
and Cutie No. 1 calls the next day, chances are you’re going to be left
wondering more about Cutie No. 2. He is suddenly more appealing and more
attractive; you start building him up to mythical proportions.
No. 2 does finally call, you’re going to have a major letdown. And if he never
does call, he (or she) will always and forever be levitated to an impenetrable
This cycle is hard to break until you’re really ready to meet
someone and stop going after those who aren’t available.
“unattainable” doesn’t have to be a dent in your self-confidence.
doesn’t mean he or she is out of your league, or that you aren’t good-looking
enough or smart enough, or whatever it is you may have insecurities about.
Rather you’re simply saying that it’s not a realistic endeavor and should be
chalked up as such sooner rather than later.
It’s not that we shouldn’t
go after the unattainable; but sometimes a challenge is just that, and nothing
more. A guy with a girlfriend is a guy with a girlfriend. His allure is simply
that he is everything you think you’re looking for – except he’s not single.
Thus he’s not everything you’re looking for anymore. Make sense? When “it”
works, it will be because both parties are ready and willing to meet
Once you realize you are purposely going after what you know you
can’t have – and stop doing it – you’ll start to look at your possibilities
differently. People you would never have previously looked at because they were
“too available” will suddenly start to be attractive because they’re searching
for the same thing as you are: a relationship. These are the people you need to
Remember – you’re available and you want someone who is also
available, so you can become unavailable together.