Purim spoof: Cruising through the shuk - on a gondola

If Jerusalem Mayor Niv Meerkat's last plan comes to fruition, tourists and Israeli's alike will soon be able to glide around the holy land.

By LOA ANOUYAL
A GONDOLA plies its trade in the welcoming waters of the new shuk canal system. (photo credit: REMESH)
A GONDOLA plies its trade in the welcoming waters of the new shuk canal system.
(photo credit: REMESH)
Imagine, in the not too distant future, peacefully gliding along a narrow riverbank in a gondola while munching down on your favorite falafel. If Jerusalem Mayor Niv Meerkat’s latest venture plan comes to fruition, this far-fetched idea will become a reality.
The municipality has announced a Weng Venture Capital $50 million investment to completely restructure the shuk into a modern-day Venice.
“I am confident that such a plan will inject new life into the city,” Meerkat announced at press conference where a mini-replica of the city was unveiled.
“What? This is the most ridiculous plan I’ve ever heard,” a Bezalel Academy of Arts and Design student who wished to remain anonymous said when asked what he thought of such a plan. “It’s bad enough that the shuk has been completely gentrified. Now Meerkat wants us to be even sleazier than a Las Vegas hotel!” Shop owners are equally unhappy with such an announcement. “Having a huge body of water flowing in between the shuk alleys will make it impossible for deliveries to make it to my store,” one merchant said.
When this reporter pointed out that Meerkat plans for most cargo to shipped via gondolas – like in Venice – the shop owner exclaimed, “The mayor is completely delusional.”
Expecting pushback from the residents, Meerkat led a group of journalists through the shuk to show the planned pathways for the gondolas. The main artery for the planned gondolas will be the famous Mahane Yehuda street.
“All these naysayers are simply resistant to change. Think of how peaceful and romantic the shuk will be if you could just sit on a gondola and watch all the hustle and bustle around you!” Meerkat exclaimed, while some dismayed shop owners looked on in confusion.
“They are simply resistant to change,” Meerkat claimed as he strolled along the street and gestured to where the gondolas would make their stops. “Imagine, buying a delicious, ripe watermelon and then hoping right onto on an oncoming gondola with your purchased goods.
What could be better?” Virtually ignoring the overwhelming backlash against the plan, Meerkat and the municipality expect smooth sailing with regard to the plan’s implementation.