JRoast Purim spoof: Netanyahu to lead 3rd party in US presidential race

“If he walks like a Republican and he talks like a Republican when he speaks to Congress, he better not duck when we ask him to run,” said Republican National Committee chairman Yosemite Sam.

By GRILL TOUGHMAN
March 24, 2016 09:32
2 minute read.
Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders finds work gratifying on the kibbutz that has re-adopted him. (photo credit: JROAST STAFF)

 
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Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Tuesday that he had accepted a request by the mainstream Republican leadership to seek the post of president of the United States at the helm of a new party.

The Republicans said they could not remain in the party after businessman Donald Trump became its candidate for president. So they decided to turn to the man who has been know for many years as “the Republican senator from Israel.”

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“If he walks like a Republican and he talks like a Republican when he speaks to Congress, he better not duck when we ask him to run,” said Republican National Committee chairman Yosemite Sam.

Netanyahu has had American citizenship in the past but he was not born in the US and he does not have citizenship now. American officials decided to “not make a big deal out of that whole citizenship thing” after the US permitted the candidacies of Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada, and Barack Obama, who has never proven he was born at all.

The Republicans formed the American Likud to run against Trump, who they said had undertaken a “hostile takeover” of their party. Netanyahu will lead Likud in both countries, announcing that if he is elected US president, he would appoint himself secretary of state, trade, health, communications, and regional cooperation with America’s neighbors to the East and West.

Netanyahu said that if elected president, he would use his new power to scare away enemies like Iran, Obama, and White House residence employees who would work under his wife, Sara. He said former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger would be his running mate and in charge of terminating Iran.

Trump reacted with rage to Netanyahu’s decision to challenge him. At a press conference, he burned copies of Israel Hayom and pictures of bombs with red lines on them.

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“I’m not neutral on Israel and the Palestinians anymore,” Trump said. “There aren’t enough trees in the world to print the money I’ll spend to bring this guy down.”

Trump said he would also run for Knesset and defeat Netanyahu there, too, with his new party that is unpronounceable by most Israelis: Trrramp.

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton said she would also run for Knesset - on a new joint list with her friend Suha Arafat that will fight Israel’s efforts to poison Palestinian wells. She said that if elected US president, she would appoint her husband Bill as her Middle East envoy “in order to get him out of the house.”

Bill Clinton said he would be happy to serve and be served by Israel’s Jewish women.

Bernie Sanders yesterday conceded the Democratic nomination for president to Clinton, retired from politics, and announced that he would return to his old job raising chickens on northern Israel’s Kibbutz Sha’ar Ha’amakim.

“My campaign was running like a chicken with its head cut off,” Sanders admitted.

“After a year of this, it was time to fly the coop.”

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