The Unthinkable: Recognize this

And what if the Palestinian president called Netanyahu’s bluff..

By AMIR MIZROCH
October 22, 2010 15:58
4 minute read.
‘WE’RE JEWS. What’s so confusing about that?’

Netanyahu Closed Eyes 311. (photo credit: ASSOCIATED PRESS)

 
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Ring ring.

Allo? Hello, Bibi? Yes. Who is this? Mahmoud.

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Mahmoud who? Abbas. Mahmoud Abbas? Remember me? We were supposed to meet every...

Abu Mazen? Yes.

Ahlan Abu ahlan, how are you? I’m okay, thanks. Listen, call me Mahmoud, or Abbas, or Mahmoud Abbas or Abu Mazen; but not just Abu, okay – it’s not so nice.

Sorry about that, hamdoudi. Listen Abu, sorry Mahmoudaleh, I’m glad you called. I was going to call you first, I’ve been meaning to, really, but you know how busy it gets here sometimes. This is my first free day for a while, and how do I spend it? In traffic! Jerusalem can be a real nightmare sometimes, no left turns, seriously I can’t go left at all; and no light rail to take some cars off the roads.

Don’t worry about it. I don’t mind picking up the phone to you first, I’m a moderate statesman.

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No really, Abbaschuk, I’m sorry, I’m the head of a really powerful country and you’re the chief of a booming city just north of our eternal capital, so I really should have shown you the courtesy.

Don’t sweat it.

I’m not sweating. [Covers the phone with his free hand, mumbles: Saraleh, am I sweating? Why don’t you tell me when I’m sweating?] Anyway Bibi, I wanted to talk to you about the whole recognition thing.

Excellent, I’ve been trying to get you people to recognize my people as the Jews we say we are, and you won’t do it.

What do you mean “you people” – that sounds a bit racist. And anyway, that’s what I’m calling about. I’m sitting here with my team and we’re trying to come up with a way to recognize you as Jews, so I have a couple of questions that, if you help me with, maybe we can clear this up quickly and get back to stopping the settlements forever.

You’re ready to recognize us as Jews? Mabrouk, Abubaba! Yes, we’re ready, but we’re a bit confused.

What kind of Jews, for instance, are you? How do you want us to call you? What do you mean? Well, we’re not sure what kind of Jewish state we’d be recognizing, so we want to clear that up with you first. How do you define Jewish among yourselves? We can’t seem to figure it out here.

We’re Jewish, Abissaleh. What’s so confusing about that? Look, Bibi, I don’t want to upset you, I know how sensitive this issue is with you people, but we’re confused about what kind of Jews you all are and what you want to be recognized as exactly. This is all legal stuff and so on so we need the exact wording of our declaration of recognition of you.

No problem, Abbasito. I’ll tell you. We’re a Flexidox bunch; a mix of Conservadox and Reformalot, Observaform, secularite, secularlite, ultralite Seculadox and Orthosecular, Reformadox, Conservalite and Hassidox Ultraform.

Is that clear enough? Sure. Is that it or is there more? Well we have about 350,000 ya’ani Jews from Russia; a couple of thousand others going through the conversion courts so we’ll see what they end up as; and a few thousand kids who came back from India and they don’t know exactly what they are right now. And there’s also the Jews for Jesus, who we’re not so sure about either.

And what about the others? What others, hamdoudi? You know, the others. The not-Jewish. The 1.5 million Muslims, tens of thousands of Christians, Sufis, Baha’is...

Ahh, them. What about them? Well, now that we’ll go ahead and recognize you as a ya’ani Jewish state, we also need to recognize you as a ya’ani democratic state, right? Of course, the only one in the Middle East, forever and ever.

Yes, but not everybody in your state is Jewish.

So it’s not just a Jewish state, is it? Well of course it isn’t now, Mahmoudchuk, but once everyone swears the loyalty oath, it will be almost as good as if everyone here were Jewish.

So should we wait until you pass the loyalty oath and everyone takes it successfully until we issue our statement of recognition or should we do it now? Relax, Mazeniko, what’s the rush? No rush, it’s just that the centrifuges are still spinning, isn’t that what you always say? Ah yes, the centrifuges. Okay, Ahmabhouhi, let’s do this thing.

Great, so how about we word it like: “We, the Muslim and technocratic half-state, recognize Israel as the Flexidox Orthosecular largely- Jewish and ya’ani-democratic state for all time,” end of story? Sounds terrific, Abubaleh, but I’ll have to take it first to my inner cabinet, then my cabinet of seven, then my security cabinet, then my large cabinet, then my party, then my coalition, then the Knesset, and then a referendum.

Shouldn’t take too long. Do you want to hold the line or shall I call you back?

amirm@jpost.com

For more of Amir's blogs and articles, visit his personal blog Forecast Highs

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