After a weekend conference with record setting attendance, and on the heels of its decision to officially oppose a US veto of a UN Resolution condemning Israel, J Street has announced that its executive board has approved plans to renovate and expand J Street into the newly named Palestine-America Highway. J Street spokeswoman and Adopt-a-Highway coordinator Amy Spitalnick told reporters that she believes “the new project will heighten expediency in the region creating a direct line of transportation and communication between our main interests.” Spitalnick also clarified that the highway would be mostly utilized by Palestinians despite what motorists think they are seeing out on the road. “Although you may think you are seeing a majority of Israeli automobiles this is merely a tactic learned from our experiences as J Street. We have found that Palestinian cars disguised with Israeli plates are of utmost effectiveness.” The highway will also serve as an answer to claims that J Street and oft-traveled AIPAC Avenue are one and the same, rendering J Street superfluous. Spitalnick explained that “the new highway would eliminate any assumptions that it was redundant once people see the sharp turn the new road takes as it approaches Israel.” The J Street brass has reportedly put in a request to the United Nations for the creation of international stop signs due to the sentiment that an Israeli hand telling a Palestinian driver to stop is “oppressive and cruel.” Additionally, it has proposed that the UN pass legislation classifying an Israeli driver flashing his brights at a Palestinian car in front of him (a staple of Israel’s ever-polite “move it or lose it” driving etiquette) as an international war crime. In anticipation of the UN’s passing of the bill, British officials have been sent to the airport to apprehend Shuki Fishfeder, a Kiriyat Ono Pizza delivery man whose ELAL flight is set to land at Heathrow Airport Sunday night. Fishfeder is suspected of flashing an Arab motorist in an attempt to maintain his employer''s 90 minuets or less delivery reputation. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon denounced the act in a UN Security Council session stating, “I don’t care if Israel doesn’t have those mini tables to put in their to-go boxes and the cheese is about to stick to that cardboard for all of eternity, there is no excuse for such a heinous act.” Fishfeder and his wife may have been tipped off as to their international war criminal status (assuming they are typical Israeli travelers who brazenly use their Iphones mid-flight) so British officials have been ordered to be on the lookout for “a male, probably in a Puma tracksuit, and a woman, probably in an imitation Juicy tracksuit, attempting to deplane in a hurry.” J Street had hoped to employ a number of Arab construction workers for the project but was unable to liberate them from their well paying jobs building Israeli homes. J Street activist Thomas Eshman told reporters “it is just sickening how the Israelis keep them locked up in those jobs, luring them with the ability to put food on the table for their families. When will the world say enough is enough and let these poor subjugated men remain among their people and wallow in poverty with some dignity?” In the Arab workers’ stead J Street has hired Interstate Motorists Association Members (IMAM) award-winning construction foreman Arthur Rhodes to build the new highway. When asked why Mr. Rhodes was selected Spitalnick clarified that when he was asked if he was “ok with working on such a perilous and controversial project he responded that “it’s an occupational hazard he has come to accept.” After noticing the blank stares on reporter’s faces, Spitalnick further elaborated he said the word “Occupation." That’s good enough for us. In an absolutely stunning response to J Street’s announcement Iran has announced it will fund a new expressway for Israelis in the “spirit of fairness.” After Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad released the plans on Al Jazeera Television Sunday many Israelis expressed cautious optimism. Tel-Aviv surfer and occasional drug dealer Ayal Shoham expressed his gratitude for the Iranian regime. “When I heard that all roads would lead to Israeli beaches I was ecstatic, but I was on cloud nine when I head that they are going to take us all the way INTO the water! Who says the Iranian government isn’t generous?”
