Muslim Brotherhood beer-pong tournament canceled due to riots

By DONI KANDEL
The Western World allowed itself a sigh of relief Monday as reports out of Cairo put to rest mounting concerns that if the Muslim Brotherhood were to take control of the government in Egypt it would be a massive victory for global Jihad. The Arabian Nights Bulletin, a small-town Arab newspaper, is reporting that due to the current rioting in the streets in Egypt, the Muslim Brotherhood has been forced to cancel its annual beer-pong tournament, the most popular event of the fraternitie’s Winter Break Allahpalooza Extravaganza. The news that the Brotherhood was originally planning the mixer lends credence to Egyptian opposition leader Mohammed el Baradei’s, as well as many in the media’s, claim that the Brotherhood is in “no way extremists.” El Baradei, infused with confidence following this report, challenged still-doubtful journalists, “how many terrorists have you seen drink beer out of a funnel?”
Disappointment due to the canceled event was not limited to the subsequent delaying of the Brotherhood’s Zaatar Sack Races from next weekend to next month. For many of the Brotherhood’s new members the beer-pong tournament was going to be their first great experience since being initiated into the club. New brother Al Farouq Raheem dejectedly moped to reporters yesterday that “I have been dreaming of participating in the tournament since I was a kid. I have worked so hard to get here. I mean, I freakin’ sacrificed a virgin during RUSH week just to get into this house! I am livid! I would protest but I suspect my motives would currently be misrepresented or misunderstood.”
With the tournament on hold members of the Brotherhood have invested their time in thinking up creative ways to show their support for their fellow brothers in the Egyptian streets. Their first plan of action was to set up a “If this group gets more than 1,000 friends than Mubarak has got to hang up the cleats” group on Facebook. Alia Shakwat Rahmini, president of the Arab Facebook League (yes that Arab Facebook League), told reporters “that the Facebook group effort failed because sadly the Facebook community has become apathetic after that whole 1,000 people means the Holocaust didn’t happen thing (editors note: sadly this is not a joke). People just aren''t interested enough anymore to left-click their support. That and...you know...that whole Mubarak cutting off the entire country from the internet thing (there are some reports claiming that Mubarak did not in fact cut off the internet but just switched the entire country to Time Warner DSL, which explains the lack of access). The newest idea brought forth by the Brotherhood leadership is for them to team up with the girls of the Lamda Epsilon Omega Sisterhood for a “Feed the Anarchy: Pro-Rioters Cook-Off." Lambs around the country have reportedly taken flight in fear.
The Brotherhood has also helped out in the PR department. Habib Marwan Rauf, a loyal veteran Muslim Brotherhood member has been tasked with publishing frontline reports of the riots to be dispatched to the various international media outlets. Rauf was selected due to his astonishing journalistic resume including a children’s book roughly based on comedian Sacha Baron Cohen’s song “Throw the Jews Down the Well” as well as winning the “Incitement Against the Zionists” caption contest in last month’s Brotherhood newsletter.
Left Wing pundits have enthusiastically run with this portrayal of the Muslim Brotherhood as nothing more than a schoolboy frat. MSNBC mouthpiece Chris Matthews went so far as to claim that the rioters were doing little more than “hazing Mubarak.”
An anonymous source has told reporters that the Mossad feels something is amiss with the Arabian Nights report. The Mossad’s reservations are apparently rooted in the contradictory nature of a beer-pong tournament with the Islamic prohibition on the drinking of alcohol.
Leading member of the Muslim Brotherhood Muhammad Ghannem responded to the charge by insisting that they “use apple cider instead of beer, but trust me, we still have some crazy nights!” Ghannem added that he was, “encouraged by the fact that people have pointed out the Brotherhood''s adherence to Islamic decree. I know it means they are rooting for us. After all who wouldn’t want a government run by Sharia Law?!”


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