Return of Glee ends riots in Egypt

By DONI KANDEL
The raging riots in Egypt that have kept the world nervously glued to their TV sets have in fact been subdued…by TV sets. While politicians and NGOs from all over the world have tried numerous political and economical ploys to halt the uprising in Cairo, the protestors were ultimately placated by the highly anticipated return of Glee from its mid-season hiatus. Glee, the uber-popular Fox Television show about a group of High School losers who join a glee club to overcome adversity, had been on break since November. The Center for the Affairs of Middle Eastern Life (CAMEL) released a study Sunday alleging a correlation between the show’s vacation and the mounting of tension in Egypt.
The report added that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak’s shutting down of the internet in Egypt, obstructing the people from watching Glee reruns on the web, drastically exacerbated the matter. Cairo Imam Nazer Houshmenzadeh told reporters yesterday that he and his family decided to take to the streets after “Mubarak’s dastardly internet tricks thwarted my family’s weekly Britney [Spears] themed episode viewing. We are ready to hit him baby one more time.”
Pictures coming out of Cairo depict the previously combustible Tahrir Square as currently flooded with tear-soaked Kleenex following the special post-Superbowl episode’s fade to black. Abed Kwali, Muslim Brotherhood spokesman and television critic, told reporters between sobs that, “the way those kids all pulled together to beat the odds almost makes you wanna call this silly little Jihad thing off. Then, thankfully, they covered a Lady Gaga song and I remembered why I got into the Holy War business in the first place.”
Glee’s openly homosexual character, Kurt Hummel, while exposing some fundamental differences among the rioters, brought about a previously unseen unity between the two sides. “Although the Brotherhood would definitely put Kurt to death, while the moderates would merely imprison him,” Middle East analyst Scot Sobel explained, “the agreement over a need for serious punishment for his sexual orientation has proven a spark of hope in a region recently cast in darkness.” Sobel then digressed, expressing his surprise that Egypt was so ill prepared for the aforementioned darkness. “They really failed to learn from their mistakes made during the 9th plague. How badly do you think Mubarak wishes he could get Pharaoh on a conference call right about now?”
President Obama, inspired by Glee’s success in the region, has announced he will base his 2012 re-election platform on similar themes. Reports out of the White House claim a Camp David Acapella Group sign-up sheet has already begun to make its rounds in the Pennsylvania Avenue estate. One has been faxed to the UN as well. US Vice President Joe Biden expressed interest in joining, but ultimately concluded “moving my body AND remembering the lyrics at the same time seems awfully daunting. I am going to sit this one out. But I hear Ban-Ki Moon can really cut a rug!”
This is hardly Fox Television’s first venture into Middle Eastern politics. In fact, many hold the company directly responsible for the recent uprisings in both Tunisia and Egypt. CAMEL researcher Hillel Imbar clarified that “the consensus that these riots began due to the inflation of food prices can be directly linked to Fox broadcasting. The inflation was naturally caused due to unemployment; and unemployment in Egypt and Tunisia grew to record proportions after the series finale of Fox''s hit show 24. Without a need for “token terrorist” actors for Jack Bauer to battle how can these people be expected to put food on the table?” Imbar then offered the outbreak of Operation Cast Lead in 2008, a year in which the villain for 24’s fifth season was Russian, as proof of the theory. Imbar added that the fact that the Arab world “sorely misses Simon Cowell doesn’t help matters.”
Fox reportedly plans to remain in the region, allegedly offering Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas the title role in its Monday drama “Lie to Me.”
While the airing of the new Glee episode has temporarily established stability in the previously volatile Cairo streets, grumblings of unrest remain. A number of late night protestors returned home Sunday night to find that their TiVo failed to record the Glee episode. The Mossad is suspected of having a hand in the “glitch” and the European Union has announced it will launch a full investigation headed by Judge Richard Goldstone and Ryan Seacrest.