But You Don't Look Sick!

I debated long and hard about writing this post. How can I write about what appears to be somewhat of a chronic illness and not let it turn into a pity party? Do I even want to let an audience in on this part of myself? One of the reasons I decided to write it is because I know if I am suffering, if I am dealing with hardship, if I am feel isolated and crappy on various levels, then there must be others out there as well who are feeling the same things. And I want to tell you that you’re not alone.
I’m not terribly, irrevocably ill, but neither am I a vibrant picture of good health. I’ve been dealing with some form of fatigue my whole life, which I dealt with through various chemicals that artificially propped me up. I’ve had a few times where that system broke down, but otherwise I’ve been able to manage and even sometimes have energy of my own. As hard as I’ve tried to keep it together, the past few weeks totally kicked my butt, and I just surrendered to the feeling. I put a lot of things in my life on hold so that I can focus on getting better. Although I am proud of myself for loving myself enough to do this, I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating that is for a person who prides herself on her accomplishments. Who am I if I’m not getting things done, finishing work stuff, creating on a regular basis? Thankfully I am still able to do my massage and coaching businesses and I am beyond grateful for this. Getting to connect with people, help them heal and feel good, and bring in an income have been life savers.
But what do you do when you don’t feel like doing anything? When you don’t feel like you have the energy to do anything, or don't know if at any given moment your energy will disappear? What do you do when you look fine, but feel like all the air has been let out of your tires? How do you decline invitations to fun and exciting events and not be super bummed about it, and not disappoint other people? I started getting really beaten up by this illness last year, and spent more time, money and energy than I care to think about schlepping around to doctors and getting blood tests. The good news? I’m in excellent health. The bad news? That is so FREAKING annoying because then I have nothing to treat. I’m working with various doctors right now, but I often wonder if my issues don’t go deeper than just physiological. Sometimes our emotions manifest themselves in our bodies, and create opportunities for us to deal with them. I hope I can get past this, and then help others get past it. I hope I can be kind and compassionate with myself as I struggle to find a new normal that won’t destroy me. I hope I can get outside of myself to be crazy grateful for my amazing friends and family who have stepped up in a big way to help me out. I hope I can have more patience with the Israeli health system and that they upgrade their systems soon. And I hope even though, as the title says, I don't look sick, that this blog post might influence people to be a little more compassionate to each other, because really? You have no idea what's going on inside someone just by looking at their outsides. 
I’ve crashed and burned in my life before, and like a phoenix, I’ve always come out of it better and stronger. I know I’m kind of mucking around in it now, but I am determined to become the best and healthiest version of myself. My family has been asking me “Are you sure you don’t want to come back to the States? We’ll take care of you. There’s excellent healthcare here. You can always come home.” Despite my 2 nervous breakdowns in Shaarei Tzedek Hospital and the crazy terror situation going on here, I’m also determined to make it work. I have awesome friends and an incredible sister and a thriving business that I have created here all on my own. There will be good days and there will be bad days and I will have to adjust accordingly. But this will not get the best of me, that I am sure of.
May we all be able to be our best and strongest selves in any given moment, breaking down when we need to so that we arise as better versions of ourselves. Good health and blessings to all.