Sharks with lasers: The next Israeli scheme

Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?Number Two: Sea Bass.Dr. Evil: [pause] Right.Number Two: They’re mutated sea bass.Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?Number Two: Absolutely.Dr. Evil: Oh well, that’s a start

You may recognize this conversation from Austin Powers, but this conversation is not so funny once you realize that it actually transpired at the headquarters of the Mossad’s Division of Aquatic Technology. This Mossad plot was unveiled earlier this month and it is clear that this is just the beginning of a new wave of Israeli terror.

According to Egyptian sources, the Mossad is behind two recent schemes to destroy the tourism industry in Egypt, a major contributor to that country’s fragile economy. First, there was the fatal shark attack at a Red Sea resort on December 5th that killed a German tourist. This came four days after Russian divers were also attacked in the same area. Sharks are never sighted by Egypt’s Red Sea resorts, and two shark attacks on tourists smells very fishy. But don’t take my word for it:

“What is being said about the Mossad throwing the deadly shark (in the sea)… is not out of the question,” said South Sinai Governor Mohamed Abdel Fadil Shoush. Egyptian television also interviewed a “famous diver” who believes that sharks that are not native to the Red Sea were being “monitored [by Israel] to attack in Egypt’s waters only.” He’s an anonymous  “famous diver” on Egyptian television, so this theory is pretty much irrefutable.


But the Mossad was not done after their successful shark attack. This week an Israeli terror cell was discovered with the intentions of kidnapping Japanese and Chinese tourists in the Sinai peninsula with the same goal of undermining the Egyptian economy.


This clearly is only a test run by the Mossad. They’ve mastered the capability to train sharks to differentiate between Egyptian and non-Egyptian (i.e. Israeli) resorts, identify tourists at said resorts in order to incur the most economic damage possible, and attack with fatal results.


The next step: sharks with lasers. Nothing is more terrifying than evading a shark attack only to be burned by a laser beam attached to the creature’s head. According to my Egyptian sources (which are just as reliable as the “famous diver”), the sharks are being trained to aim their lasers at the arms and legs of tourists so they drown while keeping the torso intact. Special Mossad diving teams are on standby to then retrieve the limbless bodies to harvest their organs, a plot we are very familiar with.


Sharks attacking your enemy’s economy. A brilliant plot. The Elders of Zion would be proud.

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