Dear Dr. Batya, Maybe it is just me but I find wherever I go I am bombarded by cellphones constantly ringing, kids tuning out the world with their listening devices and adults sitting on their computers. While I know that this is a technological era, it seems like old-fashioned manners no longer exist. Aren't there any rules for appropriate behavior? - F.H. Yes, cellphones, computers and other communication devices are so commonplace that even children who can not yet speak in full sentences know how to use them. Cellphones are great in an emergency, and in living here they do provide a sense of comfort. The downside is that in our fast-paced, high-pressured world, many feel that being instantly and constantly available also enhances their life. But sadly, as we try and rush to accomplish more, we have increased stress, less privacy and a far more intrusive lifestyle. Here are just a few suggestions for being a polite technophile. Cellphone etiquette Turn off your cellphone when in a quiet setting such as a movie, the theater, the library or a lecture. If you must get a call, keep your phone on vibrate so as not to disturb others. Even in a restaurant, it is rude to other patrons to be sitting on the phone, not to mention those dining with you. If you answer the phone, let the caller know you'll call back, or at the very least, walk outside and take the call out of earshot of others. There are some places that you simply should not talk on the phone. For the short duration of a funeral, a wedding ceremony, prayer service, a house of mourning, it is simply disrespectful to be on the phone regardless of how important a call is. Just because the phone rings, it does not mean you have to answer it. If you choose to answer your cellphone even though you are currently sitting with other people, let them know you're expecting a call and then keep it short. Don't send an SMS when you are with others. Again the message is that someone out of sight is far more important and deserving of respect than the person you are with. In other words, don't answer your phone, send a text message or play with your phone when with others. Let your call go to voice mail. You also deserve someone's undivided attention and you may want to suggest at the beginning of a meeting that you both turn off your cellphones. If you do get a call when in a public place, answer it quickly as the ring in itself can be very annoying and distracting to others. If you take the call, talk quietly. Others don't want to or need to hear your call. Don't get into a call when at a counter, checkout, in line or with someone else. It's rude to have them wait for you to finish. Recognize that by attempting to multitask, you put others in danger. While it is legal to talk on the phone with a hands-free set, dialing, looking down and even talking for a minute can be distracting enough to cause a fatal accident. Holding a cellphone while driving is both dangerous and illegal. When you do speak on a speaker phone, at the beginning of a conversation let the listener know if others are in the car or can hear you. Sanctify time at home. Put your phone on silent at mealtimes, when putting children to bed and other important family moments. Make a tech-free time by having no phone calls from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. If you are Shabbat observant, you can appreciate just how wonderful it can be to have a full 25 hours without the sound pollution we take for granted on other days. If you are not Shabbat observant, you may just want to introduce a technology-free day into your life. While it may be much harder than you think, it can be quite pleasant. Computer etiquette Children should not have to stand in front of you to get your attention or take second place when you are on the computer, assuming it is not work time. Don't put anything personal in an e-mail that you wouldn't want seen by others. When you do send an e-mail where there are multiple recipients, protect the recipients' right to privacy and don't post their names or e-mail addresses without their permission. Make it your business to check who your kids are talking to and find out what they are saying. You might be surprised to discover that many kids are Instant Messaging and sending SMSs much of the night. You need to make it your business to see who your kids are talking to and what they're up to. The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra'anana. ludman@netvision.net.il
