People who divorce may have good reason to fear starting over and remarrying. The divorce statistics for second marriages are quite alarming with many studies reporting that although 70 percent of divorced people remarry, 60% of second marriages end in divorce. What is counterintuitive about second marriages is that they defy the common belief that we learn from our experience. According to the statistics stated above, prior marriage experience doesn't predict an increase in the wisdom on how to stay married the second time around. Therefore, a question needs to be asked: Is there something inherent about relationships that make it difficult for people to learn from past mistakes? The literature on remarriage highlights several things worth considering. Make sure you have worked through the loss I always tell my clients who are divorcing that even after ending the worst of relationships it is natural to feel sad as a result of the loss. Nothing was all bad and certainly there were many shared events, trips, memories and parenting experiences, if children are involved. It's important to acknowledge and even grieve those parts of a previous relationship that you are leaving behind and will miss. Also, very often there is a lack of symmetry in the divorcing couple's reaction to getting divorced. For example, one person may have wanted to get out of the marriage and the other person did not. There is plenty that a divorced person needs to adjust to and many challenges to face, including financial pressures and often custody and child support adjudication as well as possible relocation. Professional counseling is a possible avenue to help the person navigate through a myriad of feelings and deal with personal grief to effectively move forward. Initial love and romance need to be balanced by preventive insight The initial emotional and sexual high we feel when we meet a new person, while clearly exciting, often blinds a person from seeing any potential problems that may exist in the new relationship. Studies show that partners bring the baggage of the first marriage to the second marriage. For example, when a divorced person is getting involved in a new relationship he/she looks back on his first marriage and too often puts most of the fault and failure of the previous marriage on the previous spouse. But in reality, the breakdown of a marriage almost always involves a failure in a relationship between two people. Unless a person gets some insight as to what went wrong in the first marriage and perhaps, equally important what part he/she played in it, there is a high risk of repeating previous mistakes. Values and beliefs Make sure your beliefs and values are reasonably aligned. All couple relationships have at their core expectations that spouses have of themselves in the relationship and of each other. Furthermore, the role of religion in your lives, the way you deal with money, dealing with new stepkids and your own children, and/or the desire for more children, the role of extended family, the role of outside interests and friendships, views on gender roles, sexual needs and preferences, and communication styles are all important issues that should be discussed in depth. The more aligned you are in these areas the easier it should be to spend the rest of your lives together. Since most couples won't have the same perspective on all these issues, the question that is most important to answer is whether you can support the differences and work through possible conflicts. Learning to confront differences and resolve conflict Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships. But many people have no idea how to resolve it. When confronted with conflict, sometimes couples withdraw from each other and stop talking. Others scream at each other or call each other terrible names, referred to as “character assassination” in couples therapy literature. Unless couples are taught proper communication skills and healthy ways to identify and resolve differences and problems, the quality of their relationship can become compromised. Remember, when spouses shut down and/or turn away from each other, it is a recipe for disaster. If these are familiar issues from your first marriage, make sure it doesn't happen in the second one. Second marriages have many more people to deal with In remarried families, the problem is bigger than the couple. When an individual marries a second time, they not only get a new spouse, but they also have a complete change in the family system. There are new people to get to know such as stepchildren, new inlaws, brothers- and sisters-in-law, and other extended family members. The families go through a transformation, a process of blending, and it takes time for both the couple and the families to adjust. Hidden loyalty issues can be potential conflicts in remarried families. For example, a parent in a second marriage may favor his or her own biological child over the spouse's children, creating some jealousy between the children from the two families, and can trigger arguments between the couple. There are many such conflicts that a remarried couple may not be prepared for and these can take a toll on their relationship. Couples in second marriages have to be more patient and less selfish Remember, there is less glue holding a second marriage together. Once the “honeymoon” of your second marriage is over, you will begin to see your second spouse for who they really are and some old problems and new ones unique to your new partner will arise. Be careful not to give up to easily. People getting ready to wed a second time often agree to sign prenuptial agreements carefully delineating the assets each person has before stepping under the huppa again. Many individuals, at the sight of the first difficulties with a new spouse, act defensively as if to say, “Why bother, I am getting out of this now.” That is a recipe for a second divorce. Make a commitment to work on this new relationship and address problems openly as they arise. The writer is a marital, child and adult psychotherapist, with offices in Jerusalem and Ra'anana. He also provides online videoconferencing psychotherapy. Drmikegropper@ gmail.com www.drmikegropper.weebly.com
