Given my previous column on Superbowl sensationalism along with today’s column, my readers may think me prudish.I too was young once, but I like to think that I took responsibility for my own actions. My mom taught me that I should always be able to look in the mirror and feel proud of the woman reflected back, so I wonder how the young hayalot (female soldiers) photographed prancing naked on camera feel.If I were them, I think I might feel shame, embarrassment, humiliation, sadness, exposure (in more ways than one) and vulnerability as I contemplate just what impact baring my body might have on my current army service and future academic, career and social aspirations. Sadly, I suspect these misguided young women felt none of this, but rather were even proud of their actions at the time.For years, mothers in my office have told me that their teenage children’s boyfriends or girlfriends often live in their home, sharing a bedroom with their child. I know that when a parent looks at me and says, “What can I do?” they really don’t want to hear my thoughts! In their mind they have accepted it. And yes, many kids have no curfew, stay out all night, drink excessively and are sexually promiscuous. Self-respect doesn’t enter into the equation and telling a child “no” seems unheard of. Children need limits and I stand by this without hesitation. And yes, my children gave me the lines about me being too strict and “the other kids can…” The oldest also has already thanked us for setting those limits.How many times in a matter of just a few weeks have our hayalot been reprimanded for conduct unbecoming a soldier? It is probably a good thing that I’m not on the army’s discipline committee as, by many people’s standards, my punishment might be deemed excessive. But these photos are clearly X-rated – and these young women need far more than a weekend on base or a slap on the wrist. Given that these women feel some sense of entitlement and seem to have taken up modeling in their spare time, I might instead fill their “free” time with helping out those less advantaged in the community.They represent our army and our country, and respect is essential – for themselves, their comrades and the way the world sees us.Neither the IDF nor our schools should be the main disciplinarians for our children. As parents, it is our job to teach our children appropriate behavior at home. One of the best ways to teach this is through our own moral values, actions and behaviors. Ask yourself, when was the last time you had a meal as a family and when did you have an hour or two “date” with your child, where one of you was not texting or on your cell phone? When did your family last volunteer to help someone else? Does your child wait for people to exit before they enter a bus or train? Do they give up their seat to the elderly? Do they respect their bodies and look after their health? Some parents erroneously think that befriending rather than parenting their child is what is needed and blur the hierarchy between parent and child. When this happens, both mutual and self respect disappear.There is much to be said for asking permission to sit in a parent’s seat and not calling a parent by their first name. Children of all ages need limits and structure and not just freedom to do whatever they want, whenever they want and with whomever they want.I love working with children and young adults and I think they are wonderful and have much to teach us. They also have much to learn and it is our job as parents to ensure that before they go off on their own, we have given them the tools they need to be upstanding citizens. How do these parents of these soldiers feel? Prancing around naked shows lack of respect for themselves and their parents, as well as the army they represent.SOCIETY HAS changed dramatically with modern technology enabling the “i” generation to expect immediate results. It used to be that a letter would be written, sent to another continent and a response would take a month. Now, it takes less than a minute – and if 10 have elapsed, we wonder why. A month, or even a few hours, lets someone rethink a situation, calm down, examine the consequences and respond appropriately. What were those girls thinking when they posed for their friends’ cameras and uploaded the pictures for the whole world to see? Were they thinking at all or did they act impulsively, hitting the send button long before examining the consequences? I believe that we see more ADHD today because, having sped up time, we have inadvertently created a generation of children who can no longer can focus or pay attention for more than a few minutes – as they‘ve grown up never having to do so. They are impulsive, get frustrated easily and assume that at the touch of a finger the world is theirs. Real play, deep conversation, and the search for meaning have long been abandoned. Our children are largely a product of what we value. Yes, children rebel, but it is exacerbated by inconsistent guidance and insufficient limit-setting.It is never too late to work on your relationship with your child. Here are a few thoughts: 1. Talk to your partner and decide what the house rules are. If your child lives at home, let him know clearly what your expectations are. Don’t worry about the rules or lack thereof in other homes. Set limits appropriate for your family.2. Show appreciation for the behavior you’re trying to enforce. Say thank you, tell your children you are proud of them and ask for and value their opinions.3. Spend time with each child. Really be present by both putting down your “i” devices and focus on the time you are together.4. If you and your child have relationship issues, get help. Learning to really listen to your child, finding out what is on his mind, and what values are important to him are the keys to feeling you, as a parent, aren’t helpless. Have the conversation about what he thinks of these soldiers’ behavior. You may be surprised by what you hear.5. Ask how you can help your child achieve his goals.6. Lead by example. Model appropriate behavior.Society is far more complex than when we were children. It is never too late to help your child become a responsible adult. Dr. Batya L. Ludman is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana. She has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000 and her book, Life’s Journey: Exploring Relationships, Resolving Conflicts was recently published. Send correspondence to ludman@netvision.net.il or visit her website at www.drbatyaludman.com.
