The nuclear crisis with Iran was averted Saturday when Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the entire Iranian nuclear program was traded to the New York Knicks for point guard Stephon Marbury. Iran will also get the Knicks' first two draft picks.
"Mahmoud's always wanted to be the first Persian player in the NBA," said Ayatollah Noochie Islamarama, coach of the Iranian national squad. "We kicked him off the team because frankly, even with elevator shoes he couldn't even score a lay-up, but when he heard about this opportunity, he decided to go for it."
"We're delighted to get Stephon and think he'll fit right in to our national team, especially for that big game against Iraq next month," said Islamarama. "Besides, he's promised to buy sneakers for the whole team. This playing in sandals really hurts your feet."
Olmert proposes mass conversion to solve 'Jewish Question'
Leonardo emerges from Talpiot tomb to redo 'Last Supper'
Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas, who engineered the deal, said it was part of his ongoing rebuilding effort.
"Look," said Thomas, "we may be able to beat middle of the road teams, but when we play the big boys like Phoenix or San Antonio, we need a little more bang in our front court. With his arsenal, Ahmadinejad is just the fellow we're looking for. Plus we hope to draw a lot of fans from among the cab drivers in New York City."
NBA Commissioner David Stern gave his blessings to the trade, but said that it would be declared official until the Knicks had time to examine the nuclear weapons they're obtaining and Ahmadinejad passed his physical.
Ahmadinejad's agent, Sheikh Osama Yomama, said of the deal: "Mahmoud's always wanted to shake off the notion that he's too small to play in the NBA - or even the Catholic High School Girls League - and this is his chance. In the end, it turns out, size doesn't matter."
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice welcomed the deal, but said the Bush administration would continue monitoring Ahmadinejad. "Any attempt to use his nuclear program against NBA centers will draw a serious response," said Rice. "If he can't post up with Duncan, it's no reason to go nuclear."
Meanwhile, UN Atomic Weapons Commission chief Muhammad ElBaradei was posting Web requests looking for work, and seeking out a surgeon to have the "El" finally removed from his last name.
"I'm happy it ended this way," said ElBaradei, "and besides, Mahmoud's already promised me season's tickets at the Garden."