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Dating Games: Changing vs. evolving

Growing or aging is done naturally, organically, fluidly… and is completely different from changing. When you evolve, you do it for yourself.

Never Change for a Man
Photo by: Courtesy
"I will never change for a man. If he doesn’t like me for me, it’s his loss.” This was an emotionally charged, hard-headed decree made by a 17- year-old me after some random guy I had been on two dates with had called me to tell me how to dress for our future dates. I subsequently hung up on him and called my girlfriends, baffled. Similar conversations asking me to change – not my clothes but other things about me – played out a couple of times during my dating life since then. My philosophy was simple: if a guy would only be with me on condition that I’d change something about myself to please him, then he didn’t really want to be with me and didn’t appreciate the qualities I was bringing to the table.

A girlfriend of mine, Liat, is pushing 40 and has allowed desperation to get the best of her. Whereas she was once a vivacious, flirty, outgoing gal who everyone wanted to be around, since she met her latest boyfriend her entire demeanor, not to mention her appearance, has changed. He’s a bit conservative and some have even called him controlling. Our fun friend now straightens her famously curly hair, wears slacks and sweaters in place of summer dresses and stands by his side at all times, suppressing her natural urge to socialize. Could this be the evolution of someone going from singleness to coupledom, or has she sacrificed her identity for the sake of a man? Some say that she’s now acting more age-appropriate while others just pray that she’s happy. Her appearance and her clinginess are the least of my worries; I’m afraid that he’s dampened her spirit and that she’s allowed him to. I hope her self-worth and self-identity haven’t disappeared along with it.

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