Allo? Hello, Bibi? Yes. Who is this? Mahmoud.
who? Abbas. Mahmoud Abbas? Remember me? We were supposed to meet
Abu Mazen? Yes.Ahlan
, how are you? I’m okay,
thanks. Listen, call me Mahmoud, or Abbas, or Mahmoud Abbas or Abu Mazen; but
not just Abu, okay – it’s not so nice.
Sorry about that, hamdoudi
Abu, sorry Mahmoudaleh, I’m glad you called. I was going to call you first, I’ve
been meaning to, really, but you know how busy it gets here sometimes. This is
my first free day for a while, and how do I spend it? In traffic! Jerusalem can
be a real nightmare sometimes, no left turns, seriously I can’t go left at all;
and no light rail to take some cars off the roads.
Don’t worry about it.
I don’t mind picking up the phone to you first, I’m a moderate
No really, Abbaschuk, I’m sorry, I’m the head of a really
powerful country and you’re the chief of a booming city just north of our
eternal capital, so I really should have shown you the courtesy.
I’m not sweating. [Covers the phone with his free hand,
mumbles: Saraleh, am I sweating? Why don’t you tell me when I’m sweating?]
Anyway Bibi, I wanted to talk to you about the whole recognition
Excellent, I’ve been trying to get you people to recognize my
people as the Jews we say we are, and you won’t do it.
What do you mean
“you people” – that sounds a bit racist. And anyway, that’s what I’m calling
about. I’m sitting here with my team and we’re trying to come up with a way to
recognize you as Jews, so I have a couple of questions that, if you help me
with, maybe we can clear this up quickly and get back to stopping the
You’re ready to recognize us as Jews? Mabrouk,
Abubaba! Yes, we’re ready, but we’re a bit confused.
What kind of Jews,
for instance, are you? How do you want us to call you? What do you mean? Well,
we’re not sure what kind of Jewish state we’d be recognizing, so we want to
clear that up with you first. How do you define Jewish among yourselves? We
can’t seem to figure it out here.
We’re Jewish, Abissaleh. What’s so
confusing about that? Look, Bibi, I don’t want to upset you, I know how
sensitive this issue is with you people, but we’re confused about what kind of
Jews you all are and what you want to be recognized as exactly. This is all
legal stuff and so on so we need the exact wording of our declaration of
recognition of you.
No problem, Abbasito. I’ll tell you. We’re a Flexidox
bunch; a mix of Conservadox and Reformalot, Observaform, secularite,
secularlite, ultralite Seculadox and Orthosecular, Reformadox, Conservalite and
Is that clear enough? Sure. Is that it or is there
more? Well we have about 350,000 ya’ani
Jews from Russia; a couple of thousand
others going through the conversion courts so we’ll see what they end up as; and
a few thousand kids who came back from India and they don’t know exactly what
they are right now. And there’s also the Jews for Jesus, who we’re not so sure
And what about the others? What others, hamdoudi
? You know,
the others. The not-Jewish. The 1.5 million Muslims, tens of thousands of
Christians, Sufis, Baha’is...
Ahh, them. What about them? Well, now that
we’ll go ahead and recognize you as a ya’ani
Jewish state, we also need to
recognize you as a ya’ani
democratic state, right? Of course, the only one in
the Middle East, forever and ever.
Yes, but not everybody in your state
So it’s not just a Jewish state, is it? Well of course it
isn’t now, Mahmoudchuk, but once everyone swears the loyalty oath, it will be
almost as good as if everyone here were Jewish.
So should we wait until
you pass the loyalty oath and everyone takes it successfully until we issue our
statement of recognition or should we do it now? Relax, Mazeniko, what’s the
rush? No rush, it’s just that the centrifuges are still spinning, isn’t that
what you always say? Ah yes, the centrifuges. Okay, Ahmabhouhi, let’s do this
Great, so how about we word it like: “We, the Muslim and
technocratic half-state, recognize Israel as the Flexidox Orthosecular largely-
Jewish and ya’ani
-democratic state for all time,” end of story? Sounds terrific,
Abubaleh, but I’ll have to take it first to my inner cabinet, then my cabinet of
seven, then my security cabinet, then my large cabinet, then my party, then my
coalition, then the Knesset, and then a referendum.
Shouldn’t take too
long. Do you want to hold the line or shall I call you back?
[email protected]For more of Amir's blogs and articles, visit his personal blog Forecast Highs