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In the many years I've been writing this column, I've seen some real clunkers. But HOT Zone's She Spies may have set a new low for awfulness. About three "beautiful ex-cons who work for a clandestine government organization that wants to rid the world of evil," poor Farrah Fawcett-Majors must be spinning in her still-fresh grave. "They took their one shot at freedom - now they're working for the Feds who put them away," says the announcer. Too bad they let 'em out.
The main difference between She Spies and Charlie's Angels isn't the inclusion of a black woman. It's that in Charlie's Angels, there was an attempt at acting and writing. Here, there is just total, vacuous nonsense. And, HOT Zone actually airs this idiocy twice a day.
These girls can't even agree how to clean their apartment. At the beginning of the episode we caught, we find the threesome observing that if they were able to survive prison, "We should be able to bust some dust." One of the girls accuses the other of organizing her sock drawer "by color, length and date of purchase." Organizing your sock drawer is a lot more entertaining than watching this dreck.
The girls, Cassie (blonde long hair), D.D. (blonde, short hair, big mouth) and Shane (black) have a handler, like in Charlie's Angels, named Jack, played by Carlos Jacot, who may be one of the worst actors we've ever seen. Jack, just back from a trip to Puerto Rico, has the hots for the coffee girl at the clandestine government agency where he and the girls work. The coffee girl isn't interested at first and neither are in the plot. In this instance, the girls are wondering just who was the ninja who broke into their home the night before. And, who, amazingly, the three of them couldn't take out before he got away.
Someone has penetrated the organization and "taken over" one of the government agents, Jack explains to the girls, erstwhile telling them about his trip, including the butterfly farm. "I hear the hard part is plowing them," snaps Cassie. Groan.
When the fiend they're after is described as ruthless, D.D. says - and I'm not making this up - "Are you telling me he's totally without Ruth?" Puke.
It doesn't get much better. It takes about three minutes to figure out that the agent whose mind's been taken over and turned into "La Puma" isâ€¦Jack himself. As "La Puma" Jack mutters even more insipid lines like, "when it comes to dealing with threesomes, I do my best work at night." Despite that daytime threesomes are just as pleasant.
Later, when one of the girls suggests they jimmy the door to Jack's apartment D.D. says, "Just once, can't we Joey or Freddy the door?" I think I hate D.D.
There are nasty cracks about J-Lo, who has more talent in her fingernail than any of these actors, and we're even forced to put up with Jack singing something in Spanish at a local night club. For the love of all things holy, it was bad.
In his other persona, controlled by a former government employee, Jack as La Puma has the girls thrown into a garbage incinerator. Things started to look up. Alas, D.D. does a wall walk - filmed in the most obviously fake way - and the girls get free.
Then comes the showdown with Dr. K, the woman who kidnapped and hypnotized Jack. Turns out D.D. also knows hypnotism - she once turned Jack into a chicken at an office party. In the ensuing fight, Jack shifts back and forth between personas at the behest of the good girls or the evil former employee Dr. K, who uses a device to make a high-pitched beep that controls his mind. This show exists on that fine line between stupid and pathetic.
Following another mention of D.D.'s sock drawer, the girls punch Jack out. He then asks, "Was it something I said?" as he slumps to the ground. And, with Dr. K behind bars and Jack back to putting the moves on the coffee girl, all is good with the world.
She Spies is such an insulting remake of Charlie's Angels for its total lack of originality. We're assuming it was forced on HOT in its attempt to pick up something bigger.
The series actually survived two seasons on NBC, which highlights that networks desperation - "Must See TV" has lost all its meaning. Our advice is check out old episodes of Charlie's Angels and pay Fawcett her propers, both for how very sexy she was and for battling cancer.
As for She Spies, we're hoping the girls violate their parole real soon and HOT Zone pulls this garbage off asap.
She Spies airs Sunday through Thursday on HOT Zone at 3:30 p.m. and again at 9:30. Avoid it like the plague.