America's Rabbi meets America's Mayor

By David Eden

A stooped-over man wearing a black cape looking like a transpiring Transylvanian prince knocked on the door of the suburban Englewood, New Jersey, mansion. In the sky above the North Star shimmered with rays of hope radiating across the heavens and dancing on the moon.

“Coming. Coming. Who is it?” came a voice from inside.

“It’s me,” said the familiar raspy voice. “It’s Rudy, you know, America’s Mayor. I come with Christmas cheer.”

The door swung open and America’s Rabbi extended his hand. “Well, well, you made it,” said a smiling Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who once was called “America’s Rabbi” and he won’t let anyone forget it.

America’s Rabbi continued, “Thank you for crossing the George Washington Bridge tonight. Do you like my home? Built in 1900 with eight bedrooms and elegant grounds. Fit for a king or a former Chabadnik, like me. It’s on the market, if you know anybody looking. Only $3.5 million. A steal. I tried to get $7 million for it, but you know the neighborhood.”

 “I’ll check with Chris Christie,” said Rudy Giuliani, who was once called America’s Mayor before he reputedly lost his mind. He removed his cloak and handed it to a young man with a scruffy beard standing behind America’s Rabbi. “He’ll be looking for a new home soon and has a fondness for the George Washington Bridge.”

As if inspired from above, America’s Mayor and America’s Rabbi shouted out simultaneously, “BRIDGEGATE!!!”

Mendy, America’s Rabbi’s son, a nice boy, NYU student, and Lion of Judah, couldn’t suppress a loud giggle and snort. He ushered his father and guest into a great room with a roaring fire in the massive stone fireplace. No stockings hung for Santa. A Chanukiah with two lit candles sat on the mantelpiece. The men sank comfortably into dark green leather chairs.

“I asked you here tonight after Shabbos,” began America’s Rabbi, “because this is a very rare and special day.”

“I know,” interrupted America’s Mayor. “Any time America’s Mayor can join America’s Rabbi on Christmas Eve it’s like a blessing from Jesus, whose birth we are celebrating. He was one of you guys back then. Before he became my guy.”

“Not quite,” responded America’s Rabbi, stroking his scraggly beard. “But that’s a topic for another day. I asked you here because since 1900 today is only the fourth time that Christmas Eve and the first night of Chanukah are on the same day.”

“Well, by Jehovah, it’s a big goddamn Christmas miracle!” ejaculated America’s Mayor. 

“Just like the election of Donald Trump!” chimed in Mendy, America’s Rabbi’s smart son.

“Mendy,” said his father, smiling broadly, “you are such a wise young man.”

“Our Savior has come!” re-ejaculated America’s mayor.

“You mean, your Savior!” quickly re-re-ejaculated America’s Rabbi. “You know how we Jews are about stuff like that!!!”

 “No!” retorted America’s Mayor. “I mean OUR SAVIOR!”

Mendy piped in. “Abba, I think he is calling Donald Trump ‘OUR SAVIOR’ in a metaphorical sense, not a religious one. He’s America’s savior and Israel’s, too.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” exclaimed America’s Mayor. “I know how you people are about this Savior business. I’m talking about OUR SAVIOR. The Donald. Donny Boy. DONALD TRUMP! Mendy is right.”

America’s Rabbi nodded knowingly. “Isn’t Mendy such a smart boy? What they teach him at NYU? Which, as you know, is an anti-Semitic swamp and its Hillel is run by communists and J Streeters.”

He paused, re-stroked his scraggly beard and gazed into the roaring fire. “Should I say that I am sorry you have not been chosen to be Secretary of State? I know Sheldon loves you.”

America’s Mayor let out a big laugh. “Don’t cry for me, Rabbi Shmuley. I’m going to cash in bigly on my pipeline to The Donald. A lot of people thought I’d gone crazy. A lunatic on acid. But I know what I’m doing. I am a lunatic and I’m gonna make millions. America’s Mayor is back bigly! And Sheldon got his ambassador to Israel. So everybody’s happy. Especially Putin.”

“Putin,” Mendy muttered.

Just then the iPhone in America’s Mayor’s cloak began chirping. Mendy plucked it out of the pocket and handed it to the guest. “I think someone’s Tweet-bombing you, Mayor,” Mendy said.

America’s Mayor glanced at the screen. “It’s just Donald,” he said, shrugging. “He knows I’m here. The family wants me at Mar-a-Lago for midnight Christmukah dinner. Ivanka has it all planned, like she is the First Lady.”

He held it out the iPhone for all to see.

@rudygiuliani Hey, bro, its @realDonaldTrump, howz it goin at @shmuleyboteach digs? Tell him loved Kosher Sex and Kosher Adultery, which I hope to do someday, if I haven’t already. Has he sold his place? Tell Chris. Ha. Ha.

@rudygiuliani @realDonaldTrump Helicopter arrives in five minutes. Hannity & Jet awaiting. Not Woody Johnson’s Jets. Loser. Ivanka/Jared excited you & Bannon celibating Christmukah w/fam. Latkes and ham. Delish. Tell @shmuleyboteach that Corey Booker is a putz. Ha. Ha.

@rudygiuliani @realDonaldTrump @shmuleyboteach OH! Tell @shmuleyboteach haven’t watched Kosher Lust yet w/Pam Anderson. She was a 10. Bigly. Was a big Baywatch fan. Where do Old Tens go to die? Boy, rabbis have all the fun. Ha. Ha.

@rudygiuliani @realDonaldTrump @shmuleyboteach OH! OH! Don’t tell @shmuleyboteach this but Sheldon thinks he’s a little putz, doesn’t understand why Miri likes him. Asked me to make him ambassador to Ghana. Or Uzbekistan. One of those Stans. Ha. Ha.

“Oops,” said America’s Mayor. “Guess you weren’t supposed to see that last one. Ha. Ha.”

The rotors of a helicopter kicked up a tornado of noise as it landed on the estate’s lush grounds. America’s Mayor rose from his chair, grabbed his cloak, whipped it over his shoulders, and moved swiftly to the front door.

“When our Savior calls,” America’s Mayor said, and with that the door opened as if by magic and he glided in a blink to the waiting copter and it lifted off.

America’s Rabbi’s son, Mendy, looked at his father. They both scratched their scruffy beards. “This, my son, is our Christmukah miracle,” said America’s Rabbi.

“Abba,” said Mendy, America’s Rabbi’s smart son. “Latkes and ham are not a miracle.”