The horrible surprise

By TOBY GOTESMAN SCHNEIER
He walked into the house. It was dark. Weirdly dark. Every light was off.
They yelled, "SURPRISE!!!!!"
He was truly shocked. He had assumed that they''d just overlooked his birthday this year, but get this...
He had his corduroy jacket slung over his shoulder, and as he went to put it down, it fell out of his hand to the floor. And the 4 condoms in his jacket pocket fell out as well.
By this point, the lights were "HOLLYWOOD BRIGHT." He froze.
BUT HIS WIFE FROZE MORE. In fact, the WHOLE FREAKING ROOM WENT SILENT.
He had been SO STUPID. SO SELFISH. He looked up at his wife, with her lovely blonde hair especially coiffed for the occasion.
Tears of humiliation ran down her cheeks. His friends were so embarrassed, and his daughter ran from the room.
There were balloons and banners with his name on them, and he felt like a PIG.
Why did he constantly need those hookers? Why wasn''t his gorgeous and loving wife enough? What the HELL was wrong with him?
He turned on his heel, and he walked back out the front door, too stupefied to deal with the DREADFUL situation.
He got into his car. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest.
Maybe he would go and visit one of his ''girls.'' YES!
And that is what he did.