City Front: Learning to communicate

Symposium teaches “Creating Successful Relationships: a combined spiritual and practical approach.”

By RUTH BELOFF
Lavin-Pell (left), Bezalely (photo credit: Courtesy)
Lavin-Pell (left), Bezalely
(photo credit: Courtesy)
The audience at Heichal Shlomo sat with palpable anticipation on a recent Thursday evening as they waited for the proceedings to begin. Fortified by complimentary sushi and mini glasses of wine, they were eager to hear what the speakers had to say in the context of the symposium entitled “Creating Successful Relationships: a combined spiritual and practical approach.”
The purpose of the symposium was to help singles find partners and to promote healthy relationships and marriages. The evening was sponsored by marriage counselor Sherrie Miller, co-founder of Choice of the Heart – a marriage education program for nearly and newlyweds – and by family therapist and dating coach Miki Lavin-Pell and life coach Linda Bezalely in conjunction with Beineinu, the singles division of the International Young Israel Movement.
In her introductory speech, moderator Andrea Simantov-Zaltzman, radio personality and proprietor of the bridal styling service Jerusalem Bride, outlined the plan for the evening. She then addressed the topic at hand, speaking from the heart about the painful experience of having been divorced. Now remarried, and in fact just celebrating her first anniversary, she advised the audience members to help each other and to help themselves.
Ardent and articulate, Simantov-Zaltzman encouraged married people to help singles meet each other, and she urged singles looking for a mate to “pass it forward” if they meet someone who is not for them but could be suitable for someone else.
She also advised them to join dating sites, to be “out there” and to always look their best. At the supermarket, at an event or at a Shabbat meal, you may not meet “the one,” but you might meet his or her mother, sister, cousin or friend, said Simantov-Zaltzman.
She then introduced the first speaker, Dr. David Ribner, a sex therapist and co-author of the book The Newlywed’s Guide to Physical Intimacy. Focusing his presentation on the verbal and psychological aspects of intimacy rather than the physical, he talked about the importance of kindness and communication in a marriage. He emphasized the need for trust and outward demonstrations of tenderness, caring, thoughtfulness and affection. And honesty – to a point, as brutal honesty can be hurtful. “Be open and honest in the context of caring,” he stressed.
Acts of kindness are key, he said. These refer to doing more than is expected or required, for the sake of making your partner feel good. He went on to say that a healthy relationship should be non-punitive, non-abusive and non-coercive and that both partners should be able to grow and develop independently, no matter how close they are. “Celebrate your differences,” said Ribner, “and be prepared to invest in the personal development of the other.” And compromise is sometimes necessary, he said. Otherwise, one person feels fulfilled, while the other feels frustrated and diminished, he explained.
Ribner then discussed some of the obstacles to a successful relationship. These include fear of failure, past unresolved traumas or experiences, grievance collecting, poor role models from childhood, low self-image, poor self-awareness and control issues. Conversely, he described the qualities of a successful relationship. Some of these include communication that is intimate, feeling comfortable with each other, accomplishing things together, attraction to each other on several levels, wanting to be with each other and mutual satisfaction – that is, feeling the satisfaction of each other’s successes.
The audience then split up into two groups. One group stayed upstairs to listen to Miller’s presentation entitled “Make Your Spouse Your Best Friend,” while the others went downstairs to hear what Lavin-Pell and Bezalely had to say about “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.”
Miller’s presentation centered on the challenge of a couple to complement and complete each other. The key factors she discussed were commitment, empowerment, sharing feelings, active listening and creating intimacy.
Meanwhile, in the avoiding-a-jerk department, the animated Lavin-Pell and Bezalely stressed the importance of knowing oneself and one’s driving force. Until people understand what impels them forward, the counselors said, they may be attracted to the wrong person for the wrong reasons. And when necessary, they advised, one must try to redirect one’s misguided motivations. Ultimately, the goal for singles seeking a mate is to steer clear of the charming, alluring and emotionally unattainable jerk (or jerkette) and seek out a person with admirable qualities and consistently noble intentions.
Overall, the symposium was a success in that it was well attended and well appreciated. The only downside was that the venue did not lend itself to any interaction once the sessions were over. In light of that and the desire for further outreach, the organizers are planning to have another event some time in the future. At that one, the participants will have the opportunity to mix and mingle and perhaps put into practice the proposed principles of openness and communication.