PURIM PARODY: This Weak - Tourist returns stone from the Western Wall

Satirical news by The Jerusalem Post reporters in honor of the upside down holiday of Purim.

By JERUSALEM ROAST STAFF
March 14, 2019 21:28
3 minute read.
PURIM PARODY: This Weak - Tourist returns stone from the Western Wall

(SATIRE) A 17-ton Herodian rock stolen from the Western Wall during the Mandate period is finally on its way home.. (photo credit: OLGA LEVI)

 
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Tourist returns stone from the Western Wall
 
There have been a number of interesting follow-up stories on the recent news article “Rock stolen from Masada 35 years ago mailed back – but takes three years to arrive” (February 27).
 
In an interview with In Jerusalem, Willet Evert Areiv from Talpiot says he is happy whenever mail reaches his house in less than three years, although he enjoys still receiving birthday cards sent by beloved grandparents who passed away years ago.
 
Surreptitiously removing archaeological items from the Holy Land is not only illegal, it also apparently preys on one’s conscience. In an unexpected copycat case of stealer’s remorse, a tourist from South Africa, after reading the above-mentioned article, contacted IJ, sheepishly admitting that he had stolen a rock from the Western Wall during the Mandate period and is now mailing it back. The post office promises to give the 17-ton Herodian rock priority treatment, meaning that we can expect to see it reset in the hitherto unnoticed gaping hole in the Wall any decade now.
 
Not to be outdone, an embarrassed official from the Vatican, which recently agreed to open its World War II archives, went a big step further, admitting that one of its clerics accidentally brought the Temple’s Golden Menorah and the Ark of the Covenant to Rome in his luggage with a few hotel towels 2,000 years ago and promises he will be returning the items as soon as he ascertains the correct postage necessary to send them to us via the postal service.
 
In perhaps the most painful incident, Saad Maan, an unhappy Druze from Daliat al-Carmel, rues his decision to show up at the local library to return a book that was five decades overdue. He now has to mortgage his home and business to pay the fine and accumulated interest. In a surprising twist, he told IJ that he plans to take out the book again and vows to finish reading it this time, despite his short attention span.


Another miracle cure
 
On the medical front, following the recent exclusive announcement in this paper that cancer has been vanquished (“We will offer a complete cure for cancer in a year’s time,” February 30) another dramatic breakthrough has been announced by Israeli medical science.
 
Again, you read it here first.
 
Obsessive–compulsive disorder, the debilitating mental disorder in which a person feels the need to perform certain routines repeatedly, is about to become a thing of the past. Israeli medical start-up NokItOffAlready has announced an OCD treatment that is so effective that 110% of patients report that they have been freed from their old compulsions. The treatment is so successful that they go back to do it again and again and again. And again.


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