Listening for Tamar’s scream

If we know someone who might be a victim of sexual abuse, we are responsible to protect them.

By SHAI CHERRY
Painting by Pepe Fainberg (photo credit: PEPE FAINBERG)
Painting by Pepe Fainberg
(photo credit: PEPE FAINBERG)
OUR DISCUSSION turned very awkward, very quickly.
It was the late ’90s, and 20 or so members of our independent minyan had gotten together to prepare for the fall holidays. We had moved from discussing the morning service of Yom Kippur to the afternoon service. I’m no longer sure who asked the question. It may have been me.
“Since we chanted the traditional Yom Kippur reading last year with all the sexual transgressions [Leviticus 18], can we read Leviticus 19 this year with all the great moral maxims?” A woman in her twenties responded, “Yom Kippur afternoon is the only time of the year when I feel the Jewish community recognizes the trauma my brother inflicted on me growing up.” Our friend, we discovered, had been a victim of incest. We quickly agreed to maintain the traditional reading and even more quickly moved on.
For many of us, the thought of incest is nauseating. According to this week’s double Torah portion, incest even makes the land upon which it is committed vomit. The haftara links brother-sister sex to the Babylonian exile. Two chapters, in puzzlingly close proximity (Leviticus 18 and 20), are devoted to sexual prohibitions. Is the repetition due to the grave consequences of transgression or the prevalence of the acts? In a 2007 study in The American Journal of Psychiatry, it was reported that more than 25 percent of observant Jewish women experienced sexual abuse as a child. Statistics for abuse throughout America are roughly the same irrespective of socioeconomic status, ethnicity, or religion.
Yet, we recoil from discussion and prefer to remain quiet.
Our medieval Torah commentators tell us that history repeats itself.
The most famous instance of brother-sister sex in the Torah is between Amnon and Tamar, who share King David as a father. Unresponsive to Tamar’s pleading, Amnon rapes Tamar, ostensibly due to his deep love for her. Amnon’s unstable love spins to hate, and she again pleads for mercy. Again, the victim’s voice is ignored. Amnon has her thrown out.
Tamar rends her garments, screaming in shame for all to see and hear.
Absalom, her full brother, has only this to say, “Keep quiet about it. He is your brother. Don’t brood over the matter.”
Since the Bible tells us nothing more about Tamar, we don’t know if she took her brother’s advice – but the Mishna took it. “David and Amnon’s story is neither read [in Hebrew] nor translated [into a language most understand].” Notice that Tamar’s name is not even mentioned in the Mishna. She is erased, and the directive is to ignore her story. “David and Amnon’s story” is not featured in any haftara.
Talmudic legend fantasizes that incest is not a Jewish problem. Such fantasies persist, and they are pernicious. Many Torah commentators, however, agree that the defining feature of forbidden sexual partners is their vulnerability to abuse by other family members precisely because of their accessibility. Joseph Bechor Shor, a 12th-century French commentator, suggests that without such prohibitions, a woman would never leave her family home a virgin.
Ovadia Bartenura (15th century, Italy) acknowledged that these prohibitions are more challenging than any others in the Torah.
In contrast to the awkward, discomfiting silences of our minyan, Absalom, and the Mishna, Tamar screams.
The Talmud’s Rabbi Joshua ben Korcha said Tamar’s scream was a warning that if modest princesses are vulnerable, no female is safe.
That warning is for men who might be sons, brothers, husbands, or fathers: protect the women you love.
If we know someone who might be a victim of sexual abuse, we are responsible to protect them even at the cost of the perpetrator’s life.
Rabbi Elliot Dorff, one of the leading halakhists in the Conservative movement, suggests that given the severe and lasting damage of sexual abuse to a child, it is “akin to murder.” Who would hesitate to save a child from murder? Not once, but twice did the Torah catalog sexual transgressions. Not once, but twice did Amnon refuse to listen to Tamar. We must not only listen to Tamar, and those like her, we must listen for Tamar. Signs and suspicions must not be ignored. When we read this portion, we should translate these prohibitions into English and overcome our discomfort of discussing them.
Deuteronomy stipulates, “Take utmost care and watch yourselves scrupulously.” For victims, take care of yourselves, and reach out for help. For us males, and this is mostly a male problem, let us watch ourselves by scrupulously avoiding situations where our better judgment might be impaired and, if necessary, let us have the clarity and courage to save our victims, our loved ones, by seeking help for ourselves.
Rabbi Shai Cherry, PhD, is Director of Shaar HaMayim: A Jewish Learning Center in San Diego