Dating games: The urge to create a hullabaloo

People who thrive on drama usually do so because they’re bored, immature or both.

By TAMAR CASPI
argument 311 (photo credit: Courtesy)
argument 311
(photo credit: Courtesy)
Some people attract drama to their lives like a magnet, some people deflect it like a tinfoil sunshade, and others try to avoid it like the plague.
I hate drama, and if a family member, friend or significant other tries to rope me into their drama, I get mad and let them know in no uncertain terms to leave me out of it.
The problem is that when it comes to your family, you can’t run away from it, and when it comes to your friends, you want to be supportive. But when it comes to a romantic relationship, there are more details to take into consideration and alternative ways to deal with it.
A few years ago, I had a boyfriend with an ex-girlfriend who wasn’t out of the picture. She purposely tried to cause drama to try and break us up. I could have fed into the drama by telling my boyfriend to stop talking to his ex and cut her off, but I chose to take a different path. I ignored it.
Drama is like a fire: It needs oxygen to make it grow. If you don’t feed it, then it dies.
My boyfriend respected me for being the better person, saw the ex for what she was, and cut her off on his own. (Needless to say, when we broke up, the ex swooped back in on her prey, but during the relationship I was able to dispel the drama by rising above it.) If one or both of you gets sucked into a drama early in the relationship, it may be a red flag. If you don’t agree about what is drama, or how to deal with it, that may also be a red flag.
These are not red flags to ignore. Not only that, you need to be aware of these red flags so you don’t consciously or subconsciously overlook them due to hope for the relationship.
It doesn’t mean the relationship is necessarily doomed, but it does mean that you need to have a talk.
Someone who is a drama magnet and thrives on it probably won’t mesh well with a person who avoids drama and doesn’t like to add fuel to the fire.
When I was single and on J*Date, I remember guys would create drama before we’d even met! Most of it stemmed from totally unfounded jealousy and raised a flag so red that a colorblind person wouldn’t have missed it.
One guy I had planned to meet saw that I had logged into J*Date, and wondered why. He thought that since we had made plans, that meant I was a marked woman and was not to log in ever again (or at least not until after the first date, if it ended disastrously. There wasn’t a first date; I cancelled it).
Another guy was merely corresponding with me, found out that I was also emailing with one of his friends and got mad, accusing me of cheating on him.
Just because you meet someone on J*Date and make plans to meet doesn’t mean you are off the market.
Dating is difficult enough without J*Date having drama – but at least I was able to weed out those losers before wasting my time on dates with any of them! MY FAMILY and “S” don’t agree on politics. “S” and I tend to agree for the most part, but I learned long ago to avoid discussing politics with my family because it gets personal. Unfortunately, “S” has yet to learn that lesson, and I was recently caught up in the drama when debate turned into attack.
My family is passionate about what they believe in, but I have to remind them that it’s just that – what they believe in. It’s not fact, it’s opinion. I reminded “S” of these distinctions as well, and we decided to avoid the topic of politics with my family in the future, even if it means leaving the room when the topic arises.
Luckily, “S” is like me and doesn’t like drama.
Needless to say, we aren’t perfect and sometimes we fight and create drama within our own little world, but we at least try not to let that drama seep out.
One of our other couple friends fight a lot and don’t even bother trying to limit the fighting to when they’re home alone. They fight in public, when they have company, and even when one of them is on the phone. They fight loud, aren’t embarrassed, and don’t care who’s listening.
The thing is, as awkward as it is for those of us who have to witness it, they always work it out and seem to love each other deeply. As their friends, we try to be there for them if they need to talk, but we have also learned when to cancel plans so we don’t have to sit through a live reality show.
It’s not the way “S” and I function – but they also don’t ever try to put us in the middle, so it doesn’t threaten our friendship.
People who create drama, or put themselves in the midst of drama, usually do so because they’re either bored, immature or both. Hopefully, a healthy and exciting romantic relationship will be enough to quell the urge to create a hullabaloo.
Eventually, sitting at home with your significant other and watching television on the couch while cuddling will be much more enjoyable and productive than spending your time on the phone instigating drama, arguing about nonsense, or ignoring your mate.